The Sullivans

New Blog Address...

2012-01-11T11:53:00.001-08:00

Hello there.

The blogging hiatus has ceased. Jenny and I have combined efforts and started a new blog. Visit www.SullivanWims.blogspot.com for future updates.

Hope all is well. Happy New Year!

Details...

2011-08-22T19:46:00.000-07:00

For more wedding pics and details of the day, go to http://www.kellyhornberger.com/blog/?p=8750.

Kelly and Joe Hornberger donated their time and talents to capture our special day and we are so thankful.

Hornbergers, thank you for honoring God and blessing others with your lives.

These are the links to other donated photo sessions that the Hornbergers have done for us.

Galveston Engagement Pics - http://www.kellyhornberger.com/blog/?p=7617

Chloe's 8 month Photos - http://www.kellyhornberger.com/blog/?p=4554

Chloe's Newborn Photos - http://www.kellyhornberger.com/donate/?p=82 and http://www.kellyhornberger.com/donate/?p=55

Quick update...

2011-08-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

This post is LONG OVERDUE, but life, along with all the changes that have taken place over the past multiple months have caused "updating the blog" to find it's place near the bottom of the never-ending to do list.

However, here is a quick update...

Jenny and I got married at the end of May on the banks of the Guadalupe River in Spring Branch, TX (about 30 miles north of San Antonio). We had a small ceremony with mainly family and some friends.

At the end of July, we spent a weekend with Brad Wims' parents up in Granbury, TX. Brad's mom, "Nonnie," snapped this picture of us outside of the restaurant after breakfast on Sunday morning. This is the best family photo we have taken so far. Good job, Non!

We are so thankful for the support that Brad's and Sara's families have offered as we embark on this new journey of life.

Here are a few recent pics of Chloe...she's growing up so fast.

The plan is for Jenny and I to combine efforts and start a new blog. However, that is still near the bottom of the to-do list...

Until next time, thanks for checking in on us.

Meet Jenny Wims...

2011-02-11T19:52:00.001-08:00

In May 2010, I received an email from a woman who was "walking a similar path" as me. Jenifer Wims lost her husband to a rare form of bone cancer and was raising her 2 children as a single parent. Jenny's husband, Brad, was diagnosed with Chondrosarcoma when she was pregnant with her second child. Brad fought his cancer battle courageously and after multiple trips to Germany for alternative therapy, Brad passed away on March 2, 2009.

After Brad passed away, Jenny was contacted by a few widows/widowers and found comfort in sharing stories with them. She offered that same support to me and I found it very healing to share with someone who had experienced the same loss that I had. She understood the pain that came from losing her spouse and best friend. She also "saw the bigger picture" and trusted that God had a plan for her life.

After a month of emailing back and forth, I called Jenny and we began to converse nightly on the phone. During one of my trips back to Houston to visit family, Chloe and I met Jenny and her kids (Zeke - 7 and Kaelyn - 4). Jenny lives less than 1 mile from the house where Sara grew up (and where Sara's mom still lives).

Jenny, Zeke, and Kaelyn

When Chloe and I got out of the car at Jenny's house, Kaelyn met us at the car and asked, "Where is Chloe's mommy?" I told her that Chloe's mommy was in the same place as her daddy. She smiled and nodded...and truly understood. Jenny, Zeke, Kaelyn, Chloe and I spent the afternoon barbecuing and swimming. Our time together felt so natural. We had a lot to talk about and I felt an immediate bond with Jenny and her kids.

During the months that followed, Jenny and I began dating. Soon after Sara died, I began to pray about the future. Though I did not put a list on paper, in my mind I desired my future wife to be a widow. There is an understanding between those who have lost their mates, and I love the fact that Jenny and I can talk openly about Brad and Sara. I love hearing stories about Brad and Jenny's lives together because that has formed who she is.

Over the past months, Jenny and I have spent lots of time together and our relationship has continued to develop.

Guadalupe Peak in west Texas

Christmas in Houston

Sea World

Randolph AFB Banquet

Watching a movie

During this past week in Lake Tahoe, I asked her to be my wife. We are looking forward to our future together as we mesh our families into one.

To read the Wims' story, go to www.thewims.blogspot.com

Merry Christmas...

2010-12-25T08:39:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas from our family to yours.

November...

2010-11-30T20:28:00.000-08:00

Life has been incredibly busy over the past few months, but we are doing well. Chloe continues to amaze me with all that she is learning. She recently started walking and is learning new words everyday.

We spent Thanksgiving in Houston this year and had a good time with family.

With the Gorman Girls

My dad has been volunteering with a hospice group, and Chloe and I went to visit some of his "old lady friends" while we were in Houston. Chloe was a hit and it was interesting to watch her stare so intently at the grandmothers when they held her. It looked as if she was peering deep into their souls.

Ms. Nelda

Ms. Nelda's husband was a pilot in the Air Force way back when and it was neat to share Air Force experiences with her. She has been to Osan, Korea and Misawa, Japan (two of the bases where we were stationed) years ago. She has bone cancer and was "not supposed to make it" to Thanksgiving. She has a strong faith in Christ and it was great to be able to discuss "life lessons" with her. She is 100% coherent and very witty and humorous. Chloe sat in her lap for a long time. We waited too long to get the camera out (it was nap time and she was growing impatient quickly at the end of our visit).

Ms. Dottie

Early morning after Thanksgiving

She Walks

We are looking forward to some downtime over the holidays. Thanks for checking up on us.

Happy Halloween...

2010-10-31T14:24:00.000-07:00

Cousins

Legacy...

2010-10-24T18:44:00.000-07:00

A friend of ours recently wrote an article for Wives in Bloom about leaving a legacy.

Click the link to read her writing.

Thank you, Melissa.

http://wivesinbloom.com/2010/10/legacy/

September/October...

2010-10-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

Chloe and I spent the last week of September in Florida. We visited some friends from college in Daytona Beach and then ventured to Orlando and spent a day at Disney World.

At the Airport

Daytona Beach

Disney World

Pool at Disney's Yacht Club

The first weekend in October, Team SaraStrong had a strong showing at the Houston Komen Race for the Cure. We had a huge turnout and had a great time.

The next weekend (Oct 10), Team SaraStrong made an appearance at the Phoenix, AZ race (we did not make it to Arizona). Luke Air Force Base is the training base for F-16s, so lots of our friends from Korea and Japan are stationed there.

Team SaraStrong - Phoenix

The third weekend of October, we were in Dallas for another Komen race. The Fox 4 news station wanted to do a one year follow up on Chloe, so we talked to them after the race.

Before we left Dallas, we stopped by the Dallas Arboretum for some pics at their pumpkin patch.

This past weekend, Team SaraStrong was in Misawa, Japan for a Breast Cancer Awareness Run (Chloe and I didn't make it to that one either).

Team SaraStrong - Misawa

I have stayed busy with work, but Chloe has been enjoying her time with "T" (her Nanny Tracy). Here is a cute pic from one of their recent shopping trips.

At the Gap

Chloe and I are doing well. Though September brought many memories from the past, we made it through and are looking to the future. Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers. Look for another update in November.

Komen for the Cure...

2010-09-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

The Dallas Komen team has reached out once again and is spreading "Sara's story." This video will be showing in the DFW area before the race on October 16, 2010.

If you feel compelled to donate, click here to go to my Komen fundraising page.

We would love to have you join Team SaraStrong. We will be walking in Houston and Dallas. If you would like to walk with us, click the city name to go to the sign-up page.

Thank you!

Chloe hopes to see you on race day.

Birthday...

2010-09-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

Eleven Months Old...

2010-08-08T18:56:00.001-07:00

Chloe is 11 months old today. I cannot believe how fast she has grown up and changed over the course of the past 11 months. We are having a good time together and she keeps me laughing.

Here are a few videos from the past few weeks.

Here are some recent photos we had taken. Kelly Hornberger, a friend from high school, came out to the lake and took some family photos for us over Memorial Day Weekend.

One of Chloe's aunts (commonly referred to as "Cousin Amy") made her this Rhinestone Cross Outfit. It reminded me of one of Sara's shirts that she wore at her head shaving party a year prior (almost to the date).

May 30, 2010

June 6, 2009

Crawling Videos...

2010-07-19T18:42:00.000-07:00

I recommend turning your speakers down. Chloe and I were jamming to some loud music. Also, with the speakers down, you won't hear the high pitch daddy voice (which is a bit embarrassing).

Team SaraStrong...

2010-07-13T18:48:00.000-07:00

Team SaraStrong will be participating in the Susan G. Komen races again this year. We would be honored to have a large group walk with our family in Houston and Dallas this October.

Click on the links below to go to the Team SaraStrong pages to join our team.

HOUSTON - Komen Race for the Cure
October 2, 2010

DALLAS - Komen Race for the Cure
October 16, 2010

To order a SaraStrong T-shirt ($10), send your requested shirt size to:

HOUSTON Race - Angie (Sara's sister) at agorman99@hotmail.com

DALLAS Race - Therese (Sara's sister-in-law) at tsullivan@sjm.com

2009 Komen Race Pictures

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

June/July Pics

2010-07-11T10:31:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe that Chloe turned 10 months old this past week. We are doing well. She is on the verge of crawling, loves to stand up while holding my fingers, and has her first tooth. I will write more later, but following are some pics from the past month.

Memorial Day Weekend

Father's Day Weekend

Four Generations

4th of July

Peek-a-boo

What's in a name...

2010-06-02T07:14:00.000-07:00

Here is a letter Chloe received soon after Sara passed away...

Hi,

My name is Chloe. My dad was stationed with Mr. Brady and Ms. Sara while they were in Misawa, Japan. We still live here, and they are remembered often among the entire community. I was told this was the address where I could send a letter to little Chloe. I would greatly appreciate it if it found its way into her book. :)

Thank you

Chloe,

For a while now I've been struggling with what to say to you about your mom. I don't know how old you'll be when you read this or if we'll have met already. Nothing I could say about her will be something you haven't heard already, how wonderful she was and how she radiated with love, and her trademark smile....

The only difference between me and everyone else who's written to you is, well...my name is Chloe, too. And I'm only 15, just a kid.

Your mom surprised me with how warm she was with me, when I first met her. She was an adult, and I expected her to be somewhat distant, like how other adults treated me. But I was wrong. She was so loving! Every time she'd see me she'd give me a hug, and she'd ask how I was, and I felt like she truly cared about my well being, as though we were good friends.

Now that she's gone, I realize I took that for granted. She was someone I deeply respected and admired and aspired to, and I wish I'd let her know that before she left earth.

But I'm letting you know that now, her daughter. The fact that you and I share the same name, and your mother knew me before and during the time she was pregnant with you, makes me want to live up to the name, "Chloe." Do you know what I mean?

What if I had made her not want to name you Chloe? What if she had seen how I behaved and disapproved of it so much that she thought, "My daughter can not possibly share the same name as THAT girl!"

I'm glad that's not what happened though.

The fact that I share the same name as the daughter of Sara Sullivan makes me want to live up to it! That's something I can be doing the rest of my life. I want to meet you someday, and when I do I don't want you to be ashamed of me; our name. A name means a lot, even if it seems so little.

I'm truly blessed to have known your mom for as little of time as I did, and I'm sorry you couldn't. But know that she LOVES you! My goodness does she love you, from where she is up in heaven! We'll all be able to see her again someday, and all this sadness experienced on earth will not matter anymore.

Live in a way that will make her proud.

Your sister in Christ,

Chloe

I still get choked up every time I read that letter.

Last year when Sara was undergoing chemotherapy, we had some house guests staying with us. Meet Matt and Kristi...

Matt and Kristi

Matt and Sara

Matt and I went to college together in Florida and have kept in touch ever since. Matt graduated college and became an Air Traffic Controller, but really wanted to fly. After numerous discussions with Matt about life in the Air Force, he weighed the decisions and signed the dotted line to join the military. After a year of pilot training, Matt was selected to become an instructor pilot and his training for that assignment took place in San Antonio. Thus, the reason they were living with us for a few months.

Kristi visited a few times for 2-week stints. The final time that she visited, Sara was already on bed-rest at the hospital.

Kristi and Sara

After my long days at work and the hospital, it was so nice to come home to a home-cooked meal. Matt and Kristi thought that we were doing them a favor by letting them stay at our house, but in reality they were a HUGE BLESSING to us.

Why am I telling you about Matt and Kristi? Well, as Chloe's letter above says, "A name means a lot, even if it seems so little."

This past Christmas Eve, I got a phone call from Matt. He was calling to inform me that he and Kristi had just found out that they were pregnant with a baby girl...and they wanted to name her Sara.

Baby Sara was recently born and I am looking forward to watching her grow up. I have lots to share with her about her namesake.

Baby Sara

There is a song by Sidewalk Prophets called These are the Words I Would Say. Soon after Sara died, a friend emailed and said she felt like these are the words that Sara would say to Chloe. Now, I feel like Sara would also want Baby Sara to hear them...

And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say

Matt and Kristi...Thank you for honoring my wife by naming your daughter after her. Welcome to the journey of parenthood.

Behold, children are a gift from the Lord. The fruit of the womb is a reward. --Psalm 127:3 (NAS)

Home Sweet Home...

2010-05-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

Chloe and I are thrilled to be back at home. Alabama was good, but there is something to be said about being HOME! I picked up Chloe in Houston on the way back to San Antonio. Here are a few pics from our time in Houston.

I had Mohs surgery on my face last Tuesday. The procedure was much more involved than I was expecting. I thought I would be in and out in about an hour, but I ended up being at the hospital all day and left with a lot of stitches in my cheek. The doc cut out the cancer spot and then sent it to the lab to check the margins. He had to go back in one more time and cut out a little more tissue. I will spare you the graphic "mid-surgery" snapshot, but here are the results.

Surgery Results - 18 May 2010

I got the stitches out this week and am healing up well. The doctor who did the procedure specialized in "facial reconstruction." I never intended on having plastic surgery, but...I also did not intend on getting cancer on my face. Looking back, I am a little frustrated with myself that I waited so long to get this spot checked out. It started out like a pimple a few years ago and after numerous attempts to pop it, it scabbed over and eventually turned into a "mole." It was gradually growing during that period, but I did not realize how big it had gotten.

Basal Cell Carcinoma (Dec 2009)

If you want some advice...WEAR SUNSCREEN and get "growths" checked out! Enough about cancer...

After dinner, Chloe and I usually spend a few minutes just hanging out making faces at each other and talking. Here is a cute video of her during one of our post-dinner hangouts...

I hope her "crazy leg" kicking does not develop into a Restless Leg Syndrome diagnosis. Ha!

Until next time...

It must be genetic...

2010-05-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

...this girl loves airplanes too.

May 2010...

2010-05-11T16:37:00.001-07:00

Chloe and I have been in Montgomery, Alabama for the past five weeks. I have been attending Squadron Officer School (an Air Force Leadership School) at Maxwell Air Force Base. Chloe has been a trooper as we have had to adapt to and overcome the obstacles that go along with living in a hotel room...for over a month. This has been my first experience trying to balance the requirements of school work with taking care of a baby. Chloe made it relatively clear that she did not like me doing homework when she wanted to play!

Some of our best friends from Japan are here and watched Chloe during the day when I was at class. I am thankful that I was able to have her here with me.

We visited some friends down in Florida for two of the weekends that we were here. Chloe's first trip to the beach was on a day when there were tornado warnings and gale force winds, so we did not get to play in the water.

Destin, FL

Panama City, FL

Destin, FL
(second attempt at the beach)

Sara's sister flew out to Alabama this morning and picked up Chloe. She is going to spend the next few days in Houston as I finish up class. I will leave here on Friday and pick up Chloe on my way back to San Antonio.

A few weeks ago, I got a call from the dermatologist about my cheek growth. The results came back and it turns out that I have Basal Cell Carcinoma. The doctor told me that this is the most common type of skin cancer and is the "best type of cancer to have" because it does not spread. I am scheduled for a minor procedure next week where they will cut out the entire area. I am pretty young to have developed this type of cancer, but after the surgery, there is no further treatment required (besides sunscreen application each day). I was pretty surprised to learn that it was cancerous, but not overly concerned.

Here are some recent pics of the little lady...

Swinging at Maxwell AFB

Thanks for checking up on us.

April 2010

2010-04-01T11:04:00.000-07:00

One year ago, this week, began Sara and my transition back to life in the US. We left Tokyo on the night of April 1, 2009. We arrived in Honolulu on the morning of April 1 (crossing the International Date Line still confuses me).

On April 6, 2009, Sara and I were at Tripler Army Medical Center at 5:00am for her pre-op appointment. Hours later, she was being wheeled out of recovery with the cancerous tumor and lymph nodes removed from her body.

April 6, 2009

On April 1, 2010, on my way to work I heard the song "Lucky" by Jason Mraz. After Sara died, one of our friends from Korea sent me a note and a Jason Mraz CD. She said that the song "Lucky" reminded her of Sara and my relationship. I got pretty choked up.

April 1st is also my birthday, and I am happy to say that I made it through another "first" without Sara. Some friends organized a birthday dinner and even made my favorite cake that Sara used to make for me.

That afternoon, I had an appointment at Wilford Hall (the hospital where Sara did all her cancer treatment, spent 40+ days on bed rest, delivered Chloe, and passed away). Needless to say, there are LOTS of emotions that come to mind when I think about Wilford Hall.

At my annual flight physical last week, the doctor wanted me to see a dermatologist about a "growth" on my left cheek. He told me not to worry because, I was "...probably too young for it to be cancer." I wanted to say, "Really...too young for cancer...let me tell you a story..." I elected to keep my mouth shut.

I had the "growth" biopsied and will find out more next week. The dermatologist was not concerned, and neither am I.

As I was walking up to the main entrance of the hospital, I felt an emotional wave building. Approaching the main doors, I looked up at the 5th floor window, the 4th one from the left. That was the room where Sara was "locked up" on bed rest for over 40 days. Each day, as I was arriving at the hospital, I would call and let her know that I was there, and as I walked up the the entrance, she would be waving to me from that window. This time, the window was empty.

Following are a few writings that have "hit home" with me this past week. They come from "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman.

MARCH 29

See how the lilies of the fields grow. --Matthew 6:28

Many years ago there was a monk who needed olive oil, so he planted an olive tree sapling. After he finished planting it, he prayed, "Lord, my tree needs rain so its tender roots may drink and grow. Send gentle showers." And the Lord sent gentle showers. The monk prayed, "Lord, my tree needs sun. Please send it sun." And the sun shone, gilding the once dripping clouds. "Now send frost, dear Lord, to strengthen its branches," cried the monk. And soon the little tree was covered in sparkling frost, but by evening it had died.

Then the monk sought out a brother monk in his cell and told him of his strange experience. After hearing the story, the other monk said, "I also have planted a little tree. See how it is thriving! But I entrust my tree to its God. He who made it knows better that a man like me what it needs. I gave God no constraints or conditions, except to pray, 'Lord, send what it needs--whether that be a storm or sunshine, wind, rain, or frost. You made it, and you know best what it needs.'"

One year ago, I did not envision raising Chloe as a single dad. However, I am not in charge and apparently, in God's plan, this is how is was supposed to be. When people tell me, "...it was not meant to be this way," I have started responding, "Yes it was!"

APRIL 1

Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him. --Job 13:15

Because I know who I have believed. --2 Timothy 1:12

An old seaman once said, "In fierce storms we must do one thing, for there is only one way to survive: we must put the ship in a certain position and keep her there." And this, dear Christian, is what you must do.

Sometimes, like Paul, you cannot see the sun or the stars to help you navigate when the storm is bearing down on you. This is when you can do only one thing, for there is only one way. Reason cannot help you, past experiences will shed no light, and even prayer will bring no consolation. Only one course remains: you must put your soul in one position and keep it there.

You must anchor yourself steadfastly upon the Lord. And then, come what may--whether wind, waves, rough seas, thunder, lightning, jagged rocks, or roaring breakers--you must lash yourself to the helm, firmly holding your confidence in God's faithfulness, His covenant promises, and His everlasting love in Christ Jesus. --Richard Fuller

Chloe continues to thrive and is changing so quickly. Following are some recent pics.

Easter 2010

"Best Buds"
Ethan Ertmer and Chloe

"Rough day on the Guadalupe River"

Spring Branch, TX

Videos...

2010-03-06T07:48:00.001-08:00

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. --1 Samuel 1:27

Update...

2010-02-26T21:54:00.001-08:00

Last week, Chloe traveled to Houston with Sara's family, and I went to Colorado on a ski trip with my family. During the ski trip planning, I had decided that I was not going to go because I did not want to take Chloe to Colorado in February. A few weeks before the ski trip, Angie (Sara's sister) called and asked if she could take Chloe to Houston for a family wedding. She thought it would be a good time for Sara's extended family to see and spend time with "Lil' Chlo-Chlo." Mom told me that she thought it was a "sign" that I should go on the ski trip. I bought a ticket and it ended up being a great time. Sara's family got to spend a week of quality time with Chloe and I got to "shed responsibility" for a week. It was good for everyone involved.

Chloe in Houston

Cousins

Angie and Chloe

Powderhorn, Colorado

While in Colorado, the 1 year anniversary of Sara's mammogram occurred (the day we found out she had cancer). Once again, I was shocked at all that had transpired in 12 months. The following day was the 5 month anniversary of Sara's death. It was not until that point that I realized that Sara died only 7 months after she was diagnosed! A few times each week, I still shake my head and cannot believe that she is gone.

On the long President's Day weekend, Chloe and I stayed home in San Antonio. It was a weekend of reflection for me. Since Sara died, I tend to eat my meals standing at the kitchen counter. Setting the table for one was always too visible of a reminder of my current situation. On Friday night, I grilled a steak, baked a potato and made a salad. I set the table and realized that I was okay with my "new normal" and the single place setting at the table. Chloe was in her swing next to me and we enjoyed a nice meal. In a previous post, I referenced the verse Phillipians 4:11 - "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." I think I was forcing myself to be content, but now, I can truly say that I AM content with my current circumstances.

When Sara's fam was visiting, back in November, I thought I was ready to go through some of Sara's stuff. We got all her shoes and set them out in the garage and started to sort through them. I wanted to keep some for Chloe, wanted Angie to have some of them, and wanted to give some of them away. As I stood in my garage looking at all her shoes, I had to consciously fight back tears as I decided what to do with each pair. Each pair of shoes went with an outfit that Sara wore when we _______.

"Sorting Shoes"

Seeing her hiking boots, with dirt still on them from our hike to the top of Mt. Fuji, brought on a wave of emotion. Seeing the shoes that she wore at our wedding brought on a wave of emotion. Seeing her tennis shoes that she taught aerobics in brought on a wave of emotion. Needless to say, I was not ready to go through her stuff. I put most of her shoes back in the box and put them back in the closet.

On Saturday morning, I woke up and felt ready to go through her closet. A few months ago, I bought some big Rubbermaid tubs to store her things until I figured out what I wanted to do with them. I know that I am saving all of the clothes that Sara wore when she held Chloe. As I was folding her clothes, a rerun of Extreme Makeover - Home Edition came on the TV. The story was about a young couple with 3 young boys. The mom was 28 when she found out that she had cancer. She died 6 months later and was buried on her 29th birthday. Sound familiar? As they were walking through the finished house, they showed a big picture of the mother on the wall of the house. The story was too similar...

As I was folding Sara's clothes, with our baby on the bed next to me, tears started streaming down my face.

Through this "journey of grief," I have never tried to push certain feelings away. As the different emotions arise, I just "roll with them." Of course, there have been tears, but that was my first time since we were in the hospital on Sara's final day, that tears have flowed like that. I had been waiting on an emotional outpouring...and it happened.

This past week, Chloe received a package in the mail. It was sent from Sara's cheerleading coaches from high school. Sara was the head cheerleader at Deer Park High School 11 years ago and absolutely loved being a cheerleader. After we were married, it was not uncommon for Sara to get excited and spout off a cheer from her high school days. I would look at her, shake my head and just laugh. If she got really excited, she would start to do those "cheerleader jumps." She was so full of life!

Sara's coaches had a Build-A-Bear made wearing a DPHS cheerleader outfit. They also sent Sara's old cheer outfit for Chloe to have.

Here is the an excerpt from the letter they sent to Chloe...

Dear Chloe,

We wanted you to know a little bit more about your very special mother. She was a cheerleader here at Deer Park High School for four years, and she became a special part of our lives.

She was proud to represent her school, and she was committed to the success of her teammates. She always came into practice with the goal of helping everyone have a good day, and she wrote us a letter once telling us that one of her favorite things to do was to make us smile. We kept that letter and treasure it today.

We hope this bear will help you know the "spirit" your mother added to the lives of many students and teachers here at Deer Park.

Our blessings to you as you grow,

DPHS Cheer Sponsors

Here are a few more recent pics of the little lady.

This past week I heard a new song by Mark Shultz, called "Love Has Come." It is one of my new favorites.

The Darker the Night...

2010-01-29T20:40:00.000-08:00

When Sara and I first met, back in June of 1998, we were camping at Garner State Park in West Texas. I asked her to dance, and that was the beginning of our journey together. After the dance that night, we spent some time together looking up at the stars in the night sky of West Texas. Fast forward to April 2003...after a 3 year "hiatus" in our relationship (i.e. Sara dumped me after I went to college in Florida), our lives reconnected and we were once again looking at the stars in the night sky outside of Austin, TX. We enjoyed looking at stars together over the course of our relationship.

After Chloe goes to sleep, I enjoy some quiet time sitting on my back porch...thinking about life and looking up at the night sky. Tonight, I was on the porch and was amazed at how bright the full moon was. The moon was so bright, that it was casting shadows. As I looked up, longing to see the millions of stars (that I once looked at with my wife), I realized that I could only see a few because of the "light pollution" from the moon. The moon has an irradiance of zero, meaning that it does not give off any of it's own light. However tonight, the moon was lighting up the earth, from it's reflection of the sun.

The thought occurred to me that "the darker the night sky, the more stars I can see...or...the darker it is, the more fully I can see God's glory."

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the works of his hands. --Psalms 19:1

The weeks following Sara's death and the journey of grief that has followed, have been some of the "darker times" in my life. However, along this journey, I have truly seen God's work and glory.

As I came inside to put the latest "epiphany" on on paper, the song "Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day was on the radio. Here are some of the lyrics...

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus
Cry out to Jesus

"I believe in Christ like I believe in the sun, not because I can look directly at it, but by it I can see everything else." -Author Unknown

Praying...

2010-01-28T05:46:00.000-08:00

"The Sullivans"
by the Willow Tree Collection

Over the past month or so, I have been debating with myself about prayer. Let me start off by telling you that my faith has not been shaken by Sara's death, but made stronger. I feel like I have a better understanding of who God is, after going through this trial. However, as the human mind often does, I want to be able to understand and comprehend what is going on and why. This is a fruitless task, because God's word tells us that...

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts that your thoughts." --Isaiah 55:8-9

Here are some of my thoughts on prayer...

Why do we pray? If God is separated from time and knows what is going to happen in the future, what do our prayers accomplish?

Do we pray to change God's mind or to change our hearts (to put them more in line with God's will)?

Do we, as God's children, truly have free-will or are we predestined to follow the path that God has laid for us? Do our actions here have an effect on the future? If we have free-will, God knows all and is "separated from time" so, He knows what is going to happen in the future, so is it really free-will?!?

Some of my conclusions...

I pray because God tells me to. "This, then, is how you should pray: " 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name..." --Matthew 6:9

I pray because that is how I communicate with God. Relationships cannot exist without communication.

God's mind has been changed in the past by the peoples prayers and God tells us "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." --Hebrews 13:8.

So, if His mind has been changed in the past, the prayers of the people can change His mind today.

I know that 1000s of people were praying for Sara, but God did not answer our prayers for earthly healing. I have often thought, "What if more people had prayed for her...would it have made a difference?" I do not think it would have.

If I found out that my prayers would never change God's mind would I continue to pray? ABSOLUTELY! God's word tells us to "Be joyful always, PRAY CONTINUALLY; give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." --1 Thessalonians 5:17

Lastly, I do not think I will ever be able to know the answer to the free-will/predestination debate on this side of Heaven.

The following passage is what I read last night in STREAMS IN THE DESERT.

Before we can establish a new and deeper relationship with Christ, we must first acquire enough intellectual light to satisfy our mind that we have been given the right to stand in this new relationship. Even the shadow of a doubt here will destroy our new confidence. Then, having seen the light, we must advance. We must make our choice, commit to it, and take our rightful place as confidently as a tree is planted in the ground. As a bride entrusts herself to the groom at the marriage altar, our commitment to Christ must be once and for all, without reservation or reversal.

Then there follows a time of establishing and testing, during which we must stand still until the new relationship becomes so ingrained in us that it becomes a permanent habit. It is comparable to a surgeon setting a broken arm by splinting it to keep it from moving. God too has His spiritual splints He wants to put on His children to keep them still until they pass the first stage of faith. Sometimes the trial will be difficult, but "the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" (1 Peter 5:10). - A.B. Simpson

Now, for what most of you have been waiting for...

"Chloe discusses her dreams with Nannie (my mom)."

Update on the Ertmers - Brad, Holly, and Ethan are doing great. Holly had a checkup with the neurologist this week, and he said things look good. The tumor was benign, but Holly will continue to visit with the neurologist twice a year for the foreseeable future.

Uncle Brady and Ethan

Thank you for your prayers for them. They TRULY appreciate them, as well. Thanks for checking up on us.

Save A Place For Me...

2010-01-10T18:58:00.000-08:00

As the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2010, I felt a physical weight lifted from my shoulders. A fresh start to a new year. I am choosing to move forward with life. I almost feel guilty saying that, because it sounds like I am choosing to forget about Sara. That is NOT the case. I am the person that I am because of the couple that we were. At my grandpa's funeral last week, the pastor said, "...memories are God's gifts to us." The memories of Sara and I continue to mold me into who I am.

When Sara and I moved to San Antonio, we quickly became friends with the Ertmers. Holly was pregnant with their first child and when Sara was on bed rest (at home), Holly would drive her to the bi-weekly fetal testings at Wilford Hall. When Sara had her seizure at the house, I called the Ertmers after calling 911. They were at our house within minutes of the ambulance arriving, and I left Chloe with them and went in the ambulance with Sara. They were the first people that we ever left Chloe with. Since Sara's death, they have become like family. Holly always said that when we talked about Sara, Ethan (their baby) would kick like mad.

This past week, Holly started having headaches. The headaches worsened and on Wednesday morning, her vision started to blur and her left arm started to go numb. They went to the OB and he ordered a MRI. Hours later, Brad and Holly listened to the doctor tell them that their was a tumor on Holly's pituitary gland in her brain...and it was bleeding. They soon found out that a C-section was scheduled for the following morning and brain surgery would occur within a few days. As I was driving to the hospital to visit them on Wednesday night, I thought "could this really be happening?!?" Needless to say, Holly was scared.

On Thursday morning, I got a phone call before going to work. It was Holly and she wanted to tell me that she was not scared anymore. Her new nurse came in and introduced herself...her name was Sara.

Thursday afternoon, Holly had a C-section and Ethan Michael was welcomed to the world as healthy as can be.

The Ertmers

Friday morning, Holly was wheeled back into the operating room for brain surgery. I'm not very well versed in brain surgery, but after a procedure which went up her right nostril, drilled through her sinus cavity and lanced the tumor with a razor wire, the problem was solved. Hours later, she was in recovery and after one night in the Neuro ICU, the Ertmers were back together.

Sunday evening, the Ertmers arrived at home as a family of 3.

Please add the Ertmers to your prayers, as they have some more follow up appointments with the neurologists in the near future.

Chloe Grace - 4 months

This is a new song that I really like. "Save A Place For Me" by Matthew West. Click the title to hear the song.

...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. --Phillipians 4:11

100 days...

2009-12-31T10:51:00.000-08:00

As 2009 draws to a close, I am ready to put this year behind me. This year has been bittersweet. Sara and I grew immensely together as a couple, we were in the process of "conquering" cancer, we welcomed our new daughter to the world, and then we had to say good bye to Sara.

On the 22nd of each month, I think, "Well, I made it through another month without Sara." The first few months were very difficult, as I was adjusting to life as a young widower and new father. With each passing month, I would compare it to something known. At the one month mark, I thought, "I have been separated from Sara for one month increments, traveling with work." Now, you could say that I am in "uncharted territory."

After the 3 month anniversary of her death (on December 22), I thought to myself, "Why are you counting? She is going to be gone for the rest of your life...she is gone from this earth FOREVER." Forever seems like a long time, but when compared to ETERNITY, this life we live is "but a blink of an eye." That is hard to comprehend and hurts my brain to think about.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. --Ecclesiastes 3:11

How do I remember 2009? LIFE and DEATH, JOY and SORROW, SICKNESS and HEALTH, PEACE and DESPAIR, FAITH and MORE FAITH...

On this final day of 2009, we have made it to 100 days of life without Sara...but who is counting?

(Yes, those are jewels in her HUGE bow...No, I did not pick it out. Thanks, Angie).

Wishing you and yours a happy and healthy 2010. Happy New Year and God Bless!

What if Christ had not come...

2009-12-25T06:17:00.001-08:00

"They will call him Immanuel" - which means, "God with us." --Matthew 1:23

An excerpt from "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman.

There's a song in the air!
There's a star in the sky!
There's a mother's deep prayer,
And a baby's low cry!
And the star rains its fire
While the beautiful sing,
For the manger of Bethlehem cradles a King.

A number of years ago a remarkable Christmas card was published by the title "If Christ Had Not Come." It was based on our Savior's own words, "If I had not come," in John 15:22. The card pictured a minister falling asleep in his study on Christmas morning and then dreaming of a world into which Jesus had never come.

In his dream, he saw himself walking through his house, but as he looked, he saw no stockings hung on the chimney, no Christmas tree, no wreaths of holly, and no Christ to comfort and gladden hearts or to save us. He then walked onto the street outside, but there was no church with its spire pointing toward heaven. And when he came back and sat down in his library, he realized that every book about our Savior had disappeared.

The minister dreamed that the doorbell rang and that a messenger asked him to visit a friend's poor dying mother. He reached her home, and as his friend sat and wept, he said, "I have something here that will comfort you." He opened his Bible to look for a familiar promise, but it ended with Malachi. There was no gospel and no promise of hope and salvation, and all he could do was bow his head and weep with his friend and his mother in bitter despair.

Two days later he stood beside her coffin and conducted her funeral service, but there was no message of comfort, no words of a glorious resurrection, and no thought of a mansion awaiting her in heaven. There was only "dust to dust, and ashes to ashes, " and one long, eternal farewell. Finally he realized that Christ had not come, and burst into tears, weeping bitterly in his sorrowful dream.

Then suddenly he awoke with a start, and a great shout of joy and praise burst from his lips as he heard his choir singing these words in his church nearby:

O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant,
O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem!
Come and behold Him, born the King of angels,
O come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord!

Let us be glad and rejoice today, because He has come. And let us remember that proclamation of the angel: "I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord" (Luke 2:10-11).

From our family to yours, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Birthdays...

2009-12-24T06:10:00.000-08:00

Sara always amazed me at her innate ability to remember people's birthdays. It would always catch me by surprise when she would wake up and the first words our of her mouth were, "Today is _______'s birthday."

She wanted people to feel extra special on their day. She loved to make a big deal out of birthdays, especially my dad's. Dad once said that "birthdays are like belly buttons...everybody has one and they are not that exciting." That drove Sara crazy. She LOVED birthdays and wanted people to enjoy their day!

As Christmas approaches, I am missing Sara terribly, but know that she is excited to be celebrating Jesus' birthday with Him this year.

"Christmas in Heaven"
by Wanda Bencke

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights like Heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sound of music can't compare
with the Christmas Choir up here.

I have no words to tell you
Of the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But through our memories so dear
We are never far apart.

I can't tell you of the splendor
Of the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas
With our Savior face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your spirit
As I tell Him of your love,
Then I'll pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.

So, please let your heart be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I'm spending Christmas in Heaven
And I'm walking with the king.

To read the story behind this poem, click here.

Some updated Chloe pics (and videos)...

(background music added to cover up my embarrassing "baby talk" voice)

Last weekend, Chloe and I spent some time at the lake. My older brother is getting "artsy" with his photography skills and took this great picture. The dogs and I spent some time on the dock "thinking about life." Good times for me...and the dogs.

Brothers

My family is coming to San Antonio for Christmas, then Chloe and I are headed to Houston the week after to spend time with my dad and Sara's family.

I will also be making a trip to Niles, Ohio (near Cleveland) for my Grandfather's funeral some time in the near future. He passed away in Florida on Monday, December 21. His health had been declining steadily for the past few years, but it was still tough to receive the news that he had passed away. I thought I was mentally prepared for it.

My dad and his sisters flew to Florida on Monday and got to spend a few final hours with their dad. I said a few words to him on the phone Monday evening. Needless to say, I'm sick and tired of attending funerals.

Though this year has been inundated with lots of sadness, it is through the tears that I see all that I have to be thankful for...and refuse to take for granted.

As Christmas draws near, my hope is that you would reflect upon the true reason we celebrate Christmas. Happy Birthday, Jesus, and Merry Christmas to you!

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. --Isaiah 9:6

...and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. -- Luke 1:7

What Happened and Why?

2009-12-12T07:54:00.000-08:00

Sara's autopsy report was recently completed. Sara experienced a massive stroke that caused uncontrollable brain swelling that led to cerebral herniation (brain being compressed into the base of her skull) which led to restriction of blood flow which led to brain death.

There was a slight delay in getting the final autopsy report completed because Sara's brain made a trip to Washington D.C. The pathology team at Wilford Hall did not find anything that pointed to a cause for Sara's stroke. So, her brain went to the Armed Forces Institute of Pathology in D.C. for the "big-wigs" to take a look. Results...inconclusive.

I am okay with this finding and actually predicted that "they" were not going to be able to pinpoint a cause. As Sara was in the hospital for her final days, 100s of tests were run and they all came back normal. This was frustrating for the doctors working the case and, after discussions with the doctor who performed the autopsy, frustrating for the pathologists working on finding a cause. There seems to be no clinical reason for the stroke.

While in Dallas (for the Komen Race a few months ago) I was having a philosophical discussion with my older brother, Jay. We were talking about Sara's life, and the impact she had on so many while she was alive...and that her impact seemed to increase after her death. Jay brought up the fact that it did not seem like the cancer was the cause of Sara's death. We started discussing lots of "what ifs..."

Here are some of the realizations we had that night.

Though the cancer did not kill Sara, the cancer...

- caused us to move back to Texas, near our family and friends, for the last 5 months of Sara's life.

- caused me not to deploy. My squadron in Japan left for a 6-month deployment on the day Sara had her mammogram. I was supposed to be on that deployment.

- is the reason why this blog was started.

- allowed our family (and 1000s of others) to see Sara put COMPLETE TRUST AND FAITH in the Lord.

- allowed Sara's inner beauty to RADIATE more than ever before. When I picture Sara, I see a pregnant bald lady in a hospital bed...not the image of her when she was in her prime health. I love that bald pregnant lady more than the woman I married 5 years ago.

- helped our marriage to become "rock solid." Sara and I had a great marriage from day 1, but over the course of the past year, we grew in amazing ways together...even though Sara was "locked up" inside the hospital on bed rest for a lot of the time.

- allowed me to fall more in love with my wife, as we spent an unprecedented amount of quality time together this past year.

As I was thinking back over "the cancer journey," I thought back to the first morning after we got the bad news about Sara's mammogram. I had a hard time getting out of bed and told Sara to turn on some music. This was my "low point" on our journey into the unknown. A few minutes later, I was holding Sara in my arms as we danced in our living room listening to the song "There Is A Reason" by Caedmon's Call. I had my hand on her belly, praying for the Lord to spare the life of our new baby inside of her. We were both in tears, but truly believed that God had a reason for this trial in our lives.

A few verses from "There Is A Reason" by Caedmon's Call

Late at night I wonder why
Sometimes I wonder why
Sometimes I'm so tired I don't even try
Seems everything around me fails
But I hold onto the promise
That there is a reason
There is a reason

He makes all things good
He makes all things good
There's a time to live and a time to die
A time for wonder and to wonder why
Cause there is a reason
There is a reason

In Ecclesiastes, there is a passage about there being "a time for everything." I referenced this verse previously, but now that Chloe is here, it hits home even more. We had been trying to get Sara pregnant for the 6 months prior to it actually happening. Had the pregnancy not happened when it did, Chloe would not be here. Sara got pregnant on the final opportunity we had before we found out about the cancer. THANK YOU, LORD!

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance... --Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

So, WHAT HAPPENED? We will never know what was going on in Sara's body to cause the massive stroke that led to her death.

WHY? I am confident that Sara died in order for God to receive GLORY through it. Though hard for our "earthly" minds to comprehend, I believe this completely. Soli Deo Gloria!

Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints. --Psalm 116:15

A few days after our Christmas Tree had been decorated (thanks, Mom), I was looking for something and just happened to open up a random drawer in the entry way table (where we have nothing stored). I found this ornament in that drawer, all by itself. I have no idea who or where it came from or how it found its way into that random drawer in my entry way.

'Tis the Season...

2009-12-09T13:58:00.000-08:00

Chloe attended her first Christmas Party at my squadron last week. This year, Santa ditched his traditional sleigh and traded in his reindeer for turbine engines and jet fuel.

"Turbine-Powered Sleigh"

Meeting Santa

Chloe turned 3 months old on December 8. Here are a few pictures from her monthly photo session (thanks again, Dawn).

Best Gift Ever!

Christmas 2009
San Antonio, TX

For the past 2 years, I have taken Christmas pictures in this obnoxious sweater. Though taken with different people, each one is with my favorite lady in life. I am still shocked at all that has transpired over the course of ONE YEAR!

Christmas 2008
Misawa, Japan

Here are a few pictures that I took over the past week...

In a previous post, I talked about "RSVPing for 1" for our squadron Christmas party. The party was last weekend and was a great time. The planners did a great job of remembering Sara. The photo slideshow of all the 435th FTS families was dedicated in Sara's memory. The final picture was of Sara holding Chloe on the day we brought her home from the hospital. I fought back the tears...

Sara and Chloe
Sept 15, 2009

I owe a huge THANK YOU to the "435th Family" for all of their support during the past 3 months. I am forever grateful!

Merry Christmas!

Stages of Grief...

2009-12-01T13:26:00.000-08:00

As life slowly returns to "normal" and the shock of Sara's death subsides, I can look back and see the different stages of grief that I have been experiencing. Initially, there was SHOCK. Then came the DISBELIEF and now I am going through the FRUSTRATION of living life without my wife.

As I was talking to one of our good friends about the frustration, she said, "I expected that...you were a very "well taken care of" husband." Sara was an AMAZING housewife. She loved being a housewife. She loved to make my coffee. She loved to cook for me. She DID NOT love to clean for me, but did it anyways, because she loved me. I would always ask her if she was having fun while cleaning...she always told me NO! As I find myself doing ALL the jobs around the house (that Sara used to do) I get frustrated. This phase will pass in due time.

Chloe and I enjoyed our time in Houston. As I was driving to Houston, all of a sudden, I thought about going to the cemetery. I called the cemetery and they said that Sara's headstone had recently arrived and had been erected. A wave of emotion hit me as I thought about seeing her grave.

On Thanksgiving morning, Chloe and I headed to Houston National Cemetery. As I was pulling on to the property, another wave of emotion hit...I could not believe that I was about to see Sara's grave. As I was driving through the cemetery, I saw a man kneeling down at a grave. "How sad!" I said to myself. Then it hit me - I was going to be that man in a few minutes...and I had our baby daughter with me.

After we had been there for about 10 minutes a group of 3 ladies walked up and were visiting the grave of their family member (who is buried right in front of Sara). I said hello to them, and then heard them whispering and crying. I turned around and they were reading Sara's headstone. They asked if she was my wife and I gave them a 2 minute rundown of the past 11 months. Tears flowed...

Then, they took this photo for me.

In a previous posting, I said that "firsts" have proven difficult. I now know how it feels to visit the grave of my wife and expect the next time to be easier.

Here are a few pictures from our time in Houston...

Jon (my younger brother)

Jay (my older brother)

Larry (my dad)

Naptime

Sara's Fam

Being with family over the holidays was great, but there was something missing. I recently explained my feelings by saying, "I am content with where I am, but I do not feel complete."

As the stages of grief progress, I have read that there will be a time when 24 hours pass without me thinking about Sara. That is difficult to comprehend because currently, I think about her at least 24 times with each hour that passes.

Grief is a process, not a state. --Anne Grant

Grief is itself a medicine. --William Cowper

He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it. --Turkish Proverb

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. --Matthew 5:4

Benefit Concert...

2009-11-27T16:34:00.000-08:00

I have said it before...I am continually amazed at the love and support shown from family, friends, and strangers. I truly appreciate all of the contributions made to the Sara Sullivan Memorial Fund from around the world.

A friend of the family has organized a benefit concert in Houston, with all proceeds going to Sara's Fund.

Here are the details...

Live Music by Runaway Sun (click below to hear their music)

AvantGarden
411 Westheimer

Houston, TX 77006

Friday, December 4 @ 8:00pm

$5.00 cover charge

If you are able, please come out and show your support.

Lauren, thank you for organizing this.

Happy Thanksgiving...

2009-11-24T15:25:00.001-08:00

Sara's family came to San Antonio to visit Chloe and me a few weekends ago. Though the initial emotions of them being back in our house were a little tough, we had a great weekend. As they pulled into the driveway, the GPS announced "Arriving at Aunt Sara and Uncle Brady's." This was not helpful to the emotions. On the way to San Antonio, Callie (Angie's youngest daughter) said, "Are we going to see Aunt Sara?" Everyone thought that she understood that Sara was in Heaven. Angie told her, "Callie, Aunt Sara lives in Heaven now." Callie responded, "Yeah, but she has been there long enough...it's time for her to come back." Tears flowed...

On Saturday, our squadron organized some "Holiday Jet Pictures" and Chloe enjoyed her first time in the cockpit.

After the jet pictures, we visited the San Antonio Zoo.

"Is everybody happy?!?"

On Sunday, we attended the grand opening of the Carl's Jr. in NW San Antonio. The Sara Sullivan Foundation was presented with a $500 donation from the "Making It Happen" Campaign. Thank you to Carl's Jr. and to everyone who came out to show your support.

The Alamo Breast Cancer Foundation (ABCF) was the other recipient on Sunday, and I met some great people from their organization. I am now an honorary member of the ABCF and looking forward to getting involved and supporting their cause.

Chloe Grace was there, showing support for Team SaraSTRONG and her Momma.

Chloe started smiling this past week and she is getting cuter and cuter. I'm so thankful to have her in my life!

As the holiday season approaches, I know that there are going to be tough days ahead. When I signed up for our squadron holiday party and put '1' attendee, that was like a punch to the gut.

I am going to Houston for Thanksgiving to spend the holidays with my dad and brothers. As Thanksgiving approaches, I have found myself thinking of all that I have to be thankful for. Though there is lots of sadness in life right now, the "I am THANKFUL FOR..." list is very long and I am choosing to be joyful.

We wish you a Happy Thanksgiving and I encourage you to take some time to reflect on all that you have to be thankful for. God Bless.

"Making It Happen"

2009-11-18T16:31:00.000-08:00

Last week, I was contacted by the "Making It Happen" Tour Team. The "Making It Happen" Campaign was created in 2008 by the parent company of Carl's Jr. and Hardee's as their way to "give back" to the community.

There is a new Carl's Jr. opening in Leon Valley (NW San Antonio) and as part of the festivities, the "Making It Happen" Team has organized a week of benefits surrounding the grand opening of the new restaurant.

On Sunday, November 22, they are having a Breast Cancer Awareness Day and the Sara Sullivan Foundation will be one of the beneficiaries that day. If you would like to come out and show your support, we will be at Carl's Jr. on Sunday morning starting at 8:00am.

Carl's Jr.
7429 Bandera Road
Leon Valley, TX 78238

I was told that a "breakfast sampling" will be included for our guests. We hope to see you there.

Chloe - 10 weeks

Blooming and Seeing...

2009-11-10T14:09:00.000-08:00

Following is a passage from Streams in the Desert...

November 9

Men will dwell again in his shade. He will flourish like the grain. He will blossom like a vine. --Hosea 14:7

The day ended with heavy showers, and the plants in my garden were beaten down by the pelting storm. I looked at one plant I had previously admired for its beauty and had loved for its delicate fragrance. After being exposed to the merciless storm, its flowers had dropped, all its petals were closed, and it appeared that its glory was gone. I thought to myself, "I suppose I will have to wait till next year to see those beautiful flowers again."

Yet the night passed, the sun shone again, and the morning brought strength to my favorite plant. The light looked at its flowers and the flowers looked at the light. There was contact and communion, and power passed into the flowers. They lifted their heads, opened their petals, regained their glory, and seemed more beautiful than before. I wondered how this took place - these feeble flowers coming into contact with something much stronger, and gaining strength!

I cannot explain exactly how we are able to receive the power to serve and to endure through communion with God, but I know it is a fact. Are you in danger of being crushed by a heavy and difficult trial? Then seek communion with Christ and you will receive strength and the power to be victorious, for God has promised, "I will strengthen you." --L.B. Cowman

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -- Isaiah 41:10

As I thought about this passage, I was reminded how Sara and I were "ready for the storms." In a previous posting, I referenced the song called "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me. Throughout the past year, the storms continued to rage, the rain continued to fall...but the sun always came out.

I also thought about how our yard looked when we moved into our house. The previous owners had moved out about a month prior, while San Antonio was in the midst of one of the worst droughts on record. Needless to say, our lawn and everything in the yard was completely DEAD upon our arrival.

After the first rain of the season, the yard still looked DEAD...and wet. However, as I looked out the window the following day, I was surprised to see a beautiful blooming plant with 100s of small purple flowers.

As I lay in bed last night, I thought about how Sara looked while she was in ICU on the ventilator. As her prognosis worsened, she was no longer receiving supplemental nutrition. When the brain stem compression occurred, her body immediately began to rid itself of all fluids. Her body was drying out as she was on the brink of death...similar to what the plants in our backyard were experiencing during the drought.

It took the rain and then the SUN, in order for the plants to be restored. The flowers bloomed and the sage was restored to its "full glory."

It took the raging storms and subsequently Sara seeing the SON in order to for her to be restored to her "full glory!"

As time goes by and things get a little easier, I think about the saying, "time heals all wounds." I am not sure I agree with that. I would say that "time makes wounds more bearable."

As the sun has come out after the raging storms, little Chloe is my "plant" that continues to bloom and blossom...and I am so thankful for her in my life. She truly helps to make the "wounds more bearable."

Next topic...SEEING.

Here is a letter that I received in the mail last week.

Dear Brady,

The San Antonio Eye Bank wishes to extend its appreciation to you for making the decision to donate the "Gift of Sight". Through the miracle of cornea transplantation, your wife's cornea donation has given sight to two people. Your compassion and desire to help others made this special gift possible.

Donating to help someone in need is a selfless act. To do so during a time of grief and mourning is truly humanitarian giving of the highest order. If it were not for donor families like you, we would not be able to restore sight to the thousands who wait in darkness for a cornea transplant.

Sincerely,

James Flores
San Antonio Eye Bank

My hope and prayer is that the two recipients of Sara's corneas will be able to "see the light" as Sara did, through her eyes...as if each day is a gift from God and that His love is all we need!

Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, "I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life." --John 8:12

Two Months Old...

2009-11-08T10:41:00.001-08:00

Chloe is 2 months old today, weighing in at 8.4 pounds. Here are some pictures from her most recent photo shoot (yesterday).

Dawn, THANK YOU for taking Chloe's pictures! http://web.me.com/dawnbraunphotography

Chloe got to experience her first airshow this weekend. She had a great time and enjoyed watching the airplanes. Her favorite part was the F-18 demo, which made LOTS of noise.

F-18 Demo

Utter Excitement to be at the Airshow

Chloe went to church for the first time this morning. She did good and I was happy to see that we could make it through an entire service quietly. She truly is a GREAT baby and I hope she continues to "behave" for the foreseeable future.

Church Clothes

In a previous post, I talked about Sara and I getting used to the "new normal" which our life had become (after her cancer diagnosis). I'm happy to say that as time passes, Chloe and I are getting used to our "new normal" and things are getting easier with each passing week. Thank you for your prayers and unending support.

Miscellaneous...

2009-11-02T16:19:00.001-08:00

Here are some updated pictures of Chloe from the past week...

Sumo Baby

Happy Halloween

As most of you know, Sara and I thoroughly enjoyed our time in Japan. One of the reasons that we loved it there was because of the local families that we met. One such family is the Okuyamas. When Sara's mom was visiting us last September, Sara took her to a neighboring town of Misawa, called Towada City. In Towada City, they stopped at a small Cafe for some lunch. Sara was learning Japanese and attempted to speak to the shop owner in Japanese. Though Sara's Japanese skills were limited, and the owner's English skills were limited, Sara and Kaoru (cafe owner) had a great conversation. While in Japan, we learned that a smile transcends all language barriers (Sara was fluent). From this initial meeting developed an incredible friendship with the Okuyama Family.

Kimono
Gift from Momma Sato (Kaoru's mother)

Okuyama/Sato Dinner

Sara and Kaoru

Nori-san

Shou

When Sara and I left Japan, we encouraged some of our Air Force friends to keep up with the Okuyamas. They have done so and invited Nori, Kaoru, and Shou to Misawa Air Base on Halloween night to go trick-or-treating. When Kaoru asked Shou what he wanted to be for Halloween, he told her, "my best American friend, Brad Sullivan." I never anticipated someone dressing up like me for Halloween, but Shou did a great job (look closely at his name tag)...and I am honored.

"Mini-me"

Kaoru has a computer program that translates this blog into Japanese so she has been able to keep up with us since we left Japan. Okuyamas and Satos...WE MISS YOU!!!

On Sunday, Team SaraSTRONG had another showing at the Austin Komen Race for the Cure. Once again, the press took interest in Sara's story and interviewed us after the race (Chloe is getting famous).

I started back to work this week. I'm happy to be returning, but I have thoroughly enjoyed taking care of my daughter. She will be in great hands as I transition back to work. A friend of our family, Tracy, has offered to take care of Chloe. It's apparent that she loves Chloe as if she was her own child. For this, I will be forever grateful!

Thanks for checking up on us. Hope you like the pictures and videos. God Bless!

Too Soon...

2009-10-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

Early Tuesday morning, I boarded a plane bound for Colorado Springs. Katie Friedman's funeral took place at the US Air Force Academy Chapel in Colorado Springs on Wednesday afternoon.

US Air Force Academy Chapel

During Sara's treatment, we frequently talked about how the trials that we were going through would enable us to offer "been there/done that" support to people experiencing similar situations. I never fathomed that I would be offering that support so soon.

I thought I was mentally prepared for the trip, but found it very difficult to walk into the funeral home, knowing full well what Jon and his family were experiencing. After I learned of Katie's death, it took me a long time to understand the feelings I was having. I had just experienced the death of my loving wife, but the feeling of helplessness from "being on the outside" and unable to help, was a horrible feeling. I now know how you felt for our family, and for that I thank you.

Katie and Sara had many similarities. Both were due with their babies on the same date. Both were married for 5 years. Both were great friends to all who knew them. Both were known for their "infectious" smile. Both loved to be on the dance floor. Both loved their families well. Both loved to travel. Both had their funerals in the same place where they were married. Both had the same song at their wedding ("The Prayer"). And, most importantly, both loved Jesus!

As I was sitting in the crowd at Katie's funeral, emotions arose and I found it hard to believe what had taken place in the past month. Watching the slide show before Katie's funeral, this picture brought on a wave of emotions.

Mary, Katie, Evelyn, and Sara

Korea - Feb 2007

It is hard to believe that this picture was taken almost 3 years ago...it feels like yesterday. How can 2 of those healthy ladies now be gone?

Though most of the trip was wrapped up in sorrow, there was a large showing of friends from our squadron in Korea (where we met the Friedmans). Reunions should not only take place during times of sadness, so we decided that there is going to be an annual 36 FS Fiend Reunion in Florida. Chloe and I look forward to attending.

"For We Are FIENDS!"

One of the neat stories that came from the trip to Colorado has to do with the blog. Katie shared Sara's story with many of her family and friends. There is a group of moms who Katie met online when she was pregnant with her first son, Clark. This group of ladies became good friends via the internet as they discussed their pregnancy stories, birth stories and stories about raising their little ones. Eight of these ladies (who had never met in person) flew in from across the country to pay their respects to Katie and met for the first time. This speaks volumes about the person that Katie was. While at the visitation on Tuesday night, this group of moms came over to me and said, "Are you Brady?" Katie had told them about our story and they have been following the blog. It was great to meet some of the "strangers" who have been praying for us. A chaplain from the Air Force Academy (who was officiating Katie's service) did the same thing (walked up and asked if I was Brady). He and his group of cadets have been following the blog and praying for us, too. Thank you to all of you "strangers" out there who have been following our journey and praying for us. I look forward to meeting some more of you in the future.

Please continue to lift up the Friedman/Wise family in your prayers. Thank you!

Chloe spent the week with my mom in Austin. Here is an updated photo. She is getting big!

A Significant Day...

2009-10-22T04:35:00.000-07:00

Today, October 22, is a significant day in the Sullivan Household. Today is Chloe's original due date. Today also marks the 1-month anniversary of Sara's death. LIFE and DEATH, JOY and SADNESS, smashed together on one day.

It is strange how the timing of the past month feels completely different when compared to these significant events. I cannot believe that Chloe is already 7 weeks old. That time seems like it has flown by. I cannot believe that it has only been one month since Sara died. That time seems like it has drug on incredibly slowly.

After Sara's funeral, a friend (who has walked the journey of losing a spouse) gave me a book of devotions called Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman. I am amazed at how each night, the entries are speaking directly to my heart. I am sure most of you have been to a church service where you feel like the pastor is speaking directly to you. Well, each night, I feel as if the devotions in this book were written for me at this particular time in my life. The overriding theme in my life right now seems to be peace. Last night, this is what I read.

The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. --Phillipians 4:7

There is a part of the sea knows as "the cushion of the sea." It lies beneath the surface that is agitated by storms and churned by the wind. It is so deep that it is a part of the sea that is never stirred. When the ocean floor in these deep places is dredged of the remains of plant or animal life, it reveals evidence of having remained completely undisturbed for hundreds, if not thousands, of years.

The peace of God is an eternal calm like the cushion of the sea. It lies so deeply within the human heart that no external difficulty or disturbance can reach it. And anyone who enters the presence of God becomes a partaker of that undisturbed and undisturbable calm. --Arthur Tappan Pierson

When Sara had her seizure, I was in the process of organizing our office. Now that things are staring to slow down, I have spent numerous hours in the office, going through our belongings. Last night, I found Sara's prayer journal from her time at Wilford Hall. Sara's final journal entry was on September 7, the day before Chloe was born. I took a break from organizing and began to read back through her prayers. I am encouraged by the peace that she had, knowing full well that God was in control. I am also excited for Chloe to get to read her mother's prayers for her, desiring her to live her life as a "Godly Woman." Here is Sara's final prayer in her journal...

September 7, 2009

May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. --Psalm 119:76

My Jesus-

Thank you for your unfailing love, and that it is and has been my comfort. I can rest in you alone because I know you will never forsake me. You are in complete control of everything and there is so much peace in that. May the peace I have and feel be evident to those around me - may they continue to ask how - and may I share without hesitation that it is you! I love you, Lord and ask that I will be a blessing to you today. Be glorified in and through me. I ask this in Jesus' name.

- Amen

It is strange to read back through her journal and see how excited she was "to see Jesus face to face." I do not think that she knew she was going to die so soon because lots of her prayers were requesting wisdom for us as we "brought Chloe up in the ways of the Lord." However, she was not one bit afraid of death. Every time Sara would pray before our meal, she would start out, "Lord, thank you for another day that is not promised to us..." Reading back through her prayers, she was truly thankful for each day and wanted to live each one to bring GLORY TO GOD. This reaffirms that the "Soli Deo Gloria" saying is perfect for her bracelets.

Back to the theme of peace in my life, I will share with you my journal entry from September 30, Sara's birthday.

"When God places a burden upon you, He places His arms underneath you." --L.B. Cowman

Lord,

As Chloe and I begin our new journey of life together, we are thankful for your provision. Lord, thank you for your word and your calming, peaceful holy spirit. Though I feel as if I should be a complete "mess," there is peace in your plan for my life. Though the thought of raising Chloe as a single dad is frightening, You are with us.

Lord, as I lay in bed alone, I am so thankful for the life you allowed Sara and I to live. Thank you for our time in Korea and Japan. Thank you for all the time I was able to spend with her this year. Thank you that the final words we spoke to each other were, "I Love You" (18 Sept 2009). Lord, I ask for continued strength and faith. Thank you for growing my faith through all these trials.

Lord, I ask for wisdom in raising Chloe and what to do with the blessings you provide. I pray for protection and health for Chloe Grace for her life.

Lord, I love and trust you completely.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Today, on her original due date, Chloe is weighing in at 7.2 lbs. She is getting some chubby cheeks and a double (and sometimes triple) chin. She is not sleeping as much as she had been in her preemie weeks, but we are still doing well. Please pray for parenting wisdom for her dad. Thanks.

SOLI DEO GLORIA...

2009-10-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

Contributors to the Sara Sullivan Memorial Fund will be receiving a couple of Sara Sullivan "reminder bands." The bracelets are RED which was Sara's favorite color. They say "SARA SULLIVAN - SOLI DEO GLORIA." Our hope is that these will help keep Sara's story alive. When people ask about your band, our desire is that you would tell them about Sara and how she lived her life, despite the trials she encountered. "Soli Deo Gloria" is Latin for "For God's Glory Alone."

If you would like to order extra bands, please contact Amy Briggs at amybriggs@gmail.com.

Thank you to all of you who have contributed to Sara's Memorial Fund. Please give us some time to get the bands shipped out. God Bless. SOLI DEO GLORIA!

Prayers Requested...

2009-10-17T19:41:00.001-07:00

Last night, I got an email from friends in Italy. Some of our dear friends from our time in Osan, South Korea are in need of your prayers. The Friedman Family was stationed with us during our year in Korea, and from there moved to Aviano, Italy.

Katie Friedman was due with their baby boy on the same day that Sara was supposed to deliver Chloe. Yesterday, Katie gave birth to their 2nd baby boy, named Quinn. Hours later, Katie died due to "bleeding complications" from birth. I do not have many details, but ask for your prayers for strength and peace for Jon and his 2 boys, Clark and Quinn.

The Friedmans

I know that I recently experienced the same loss that Jon is going through, but I am having a hard time comprehending this situation.

Please pray for the Friedman family. Thank you.

Chloe's Television Debut...

2009-10-17T13:14:00.000-07:00

http://www.myfoxdfw.com/dpp/news/Breast_Cancer_Claims_Young_Mom

The Komen Race for the Cure was an incredible experience for our family this weekend. Fox 4 News in Dallas heard about our story and wanted to spread the word. Chloe and I were on Good Day Dallas on Friday morning and then they put together the video above which aired last night.

Friday Morning Live TV

Ansley (Sara's Niece)

Dallas Komen Race for the Cure

After the race this morning, Team SaraSTRONG was debuted on the Komen Race TV Show on Fox.

I'm so humbled that the media has taken interest in Sara and was willing to share her story with the masses in the DFW Metroplex.

The reporter told me that next year, they want to do an update on Chloe. Thank you FOX 4!

Blessings Abound...

2009-10-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

We (Chloe and I) have been AMAZED at the outpouring of LOVE and SUPPORT that we continue to receive.

For example, a "blessing in a baby bottle" was recently delivered to my house.

The Wives of the 435th FTS (my squadron) and the people of Randolph AFB raised money for "Chloe's Milk Fund." The amount donated should cover her baby formula for an entire year...A HUGE BLESSING!

The memorial funds continue to tick upwards and I have high hopes of being able to start some sort of SARA SULLIVAN FOUNDATION that will be able to bless others in their times of need...A HUGE BLESSING! Sara would want that.

I was also contacted by a few photographers who wanted to give of their time and talents to capture Chloe's first year on film (or digital media)...A HUGE BLESSING! Click through the links below to look at the incredible pictures captured by each of these giving women.

Kelly Hornberger (Houston Photographer) - Click Here
Dawn Braun (San Antonio Photographer) - Click Here
Melissa Zihlman (Dallas Photographer) - Click Here

Lidia Boicu (Dallas Photographer) - Click Here

A photograph can be an instant of life captured for eternity that will never cease looking back at you. --Brigette Bardot

I wish I had the words to express my utmost gratitude to everyone who has "been there" for us. These two words will have to do...THANK YOU!

I thank my God every time I remember you. --Phillipians 1:3

From the fullness of his GRACE we have all received one BLESSING after another. --John 1:16

Letters...

2009-10-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all of you who have sent letters for Chloe's book and/or letters to me about my beloved wife.

I am going to share a letter (in its entirety) that I recently received from Sara's college roommate and longtime friend, Lisa Waller.

Lisa gave me permission to share her letter with the masses, and I feel like you will know Sara better after reading this...

October 1, 2009

Dear Brady,

Where do I even begin? I'm sorry for your loss? God is glorified even in the midst of suffering? Sara was such an amazing woman and we'll all miss her dearly? Surely, all these things are true. But you were right when we spoke at the memorial service and you said, "I know; what do you say?" There are no words.

I've been replaying several memories in my mind since the day Sara died. I'm sure she has told you this story herself, but one of the best times I had with your sweet wife was in Rome. It was one o'clock in the morning and we were having drinks in the Piazza Nirvona. Our waiter had been flirting with us for quite some time, and when a peddler approached us asking if we would like to buy a rose, our waiter took the liberty of buying a dozen for the two of us. Knowing we were leaving the next morning for Germany, Sara had the brilliant idea to spend the rest of the evening giving the roses away. I've never had so much fun; it felt like we were in a movie. You should have seen the looks of peoples' faces - a couple who was arguing suddenly stopped after Sara surprised them with the first rose. We threw one to a guy on a vespa and he held it up high yelling, "Gratzi!" Several homeless men at the train station woke up the next morning to roses on top of their bags. What a night we had!

Another night we went out dancing at a night club in Florence until the wee hours of the morning. Your sweet, innocent wife accepted an invitation to go have drinks at an apartment of one of the guys we were dancing with all night. When I told her I refused to go and that all they wanted was ... well, you know ... she couldn't believe Italian men could be so forward! Thankfully she listened to me and we made it home to our hotel safely. That was Sara, though, always believing only the best in others, even crazy Italian men!

I also recalled this week a time when we went running on the military base in Liverno, Italy, that same summer we backpacked through Europe. She said, "Lis, I could get used to the military lifestyle. I could be a military wife." I responded, "I could never do that, but I could be a pastor's wife. I could be a missionary." A few years later she married you, the "military" man, and I married Bryce, the pastor.

I also remember being at Max's for the crawfish boil and dragging Sara with me. We had been there no more than 10 minutes when she pulled me into a bedroom and said, "Lis, Brady got soooo hot!" I think it was only a couple of weeks later that she wrote you the letter telling you she was in love with you. I could go on and on Brady. You, too, know how amazing your wife was and have more memories to share with Chloe than the rest of us. I'm sure it will take a lifetime to sort through them all.

Meanwhile, I hope you know how much we love you and Chloe. We've been fervently praying for you as a family and will commit to doing so in the years to come. As the Lord would have it, I read 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 the morning I flew to Houston for the memorial service. It reads: "But we do not want you to be uninformed brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep." Verse 17 of the same passage finishes, "And so we will always be with the Lord." There is so much hope in this, that though Sara's body is sleeping until the Lord returns, her soul is not! Just as Jesus tells the thief on the cross, "Today you will be with me in paradise," sweet Sara is with Jesus right now. Can't you see her smiling?

After arriving back in Billings, I glanced up at a large black and white picture we had enlarged. It is of our wedding and captures a moment of several people dancing to the band. It is one of our favorite photographs because it displays candid poses of dear friends. Sara is in the center dancing. I hadn't noticed it before, but there she is, in the middle of the dance floor surrounded with friends. I think this is always how I will remember her.

Thank you for being such a loving, gentle husband to her. I know the same qualities that Sara fell in love with will translate into you becoming a wonderful father. You already have. As you grieve, not like those who have no hope, but with the very hope that Sara shared with so many - hope in Christ, know that you are not alone. We will pray and wait with you until the day when we will all be reunited in heaven, with Jesus, and sweet Sara dancing in the center.

Love, Lis

Another letter I want to share with you is from Sara. One year ago (Oct 13, 2008), Sara's grandmother passed away. Sara and I were in Korea for an air show when we received the news, and unable to make it home for the services. Sara had been home a few months earlier and spent a lot of time with her Grandmother while she was in the hospital. Sara compiled some of her thoughts and sent them home for the pastor to read at her grandma's funeral. I think you will find her words interesting, now that she too has "gone home."

Hey there...
Here are some scriptures, and I guess my thoughts. I love you all and wish I could be there with you. I am praying for you all.
-Sara

Mary, Mother, Mom, THE MOM, Grandma, and Great-Grandma. These are all names of the amazing woman we know and love who just recently left this earth to be with our Father in Heaven. As I think about my grandmother I am full of pride and love for the woman she was. I rarely left her presence without learning something new about her or our family. I treasure my time with her. I look back now at the time she spent in the hospital and count it as a blessing.

Because of the situation, my heart was stirred to spend as much time with her as I could, and I count that as a gift from God. It was during this time that I saw Grandma get attitude for the first time in my life and had the privilege of sharing the moment of her taking her first sip of Starbucks coffee ever! You could say I'm a Starbucks junkie, so sharing something I enjoy so much was truly a precious moment for me.

Grandma's First Starbucks Coffee

I also was able to pray with her before one of her daily PT walks, and for me this is the most beautiful thing I could experience with her. Going before God with those we love warms my heart and pleases or Savior, so I am grateful for our prayer for strength as she prepared to walk.

It is never easy to lose someone you love, but there can be a peace when we know that they are in a better place. I feel so blessed to have had my grandmother in my life for as long as I did. She is an amazing woman whom I greatly admire and will dearly miss. I love you, Grandma.

My prayer is that in this time of grieving we will allow our Heavenly Father to wrap His arms around us and comfort us as only He can. We have a God who loves us and cares for us more that we can ever imagine. He knows the number of days in each of our lives before one ever comes to pass.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. --Psalm 139:16

I praise Him for the little reminders of how much He loves us as we see things that remind us of Grandma and make us smile. I believe these are gifts from Jesus because he cares for us and wants us to experience His joy in this painful time.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight --Proverbs 3:5-6

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. --Zephaniah 3:17

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. --Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4

Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. --Lamentations 3:32

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him. --Lamentations 3:22-24

For those of you who desire to have your letter included in Chloe's book, please get them sent to Debbie Dunn by the end of October. At that time, she is going to compile the book.

Once again, her address is:

Debbie Dunn
500 Riders Trail
Austin, TX 78733

If you want to email her a letter, you can do so at dunnz@aol.com.

Thank you for continuing to check up on us. Chloe and I are in Dallas this week, spending time with my brother and his wife. Next weekend, we are running in the Dallas Race for the Cure. You can click here to see the Susan G. Komen - SaraSTRONG webpage.

Hope all is well.

One Month Old...

2009-10-08T06:32:00.000-07:00

Chloe is one month old. The past month has flown by and she has grown A LOT! From her lowest weight of 4 pounds, to her current weight of approximately 6 pounds, she has gained 50% of her body weight...in a month. If she continues at her current rate of weight gain, she will be 45 pounds at 6 months! Ha.

We are doing great and each day entails a new learning experience for Dad. Last night, while feeding Chloe at 4:00am, I learned that you cannot give up when the baby does not want to burp. I tried burping her for about 10 minutes to no avail. I thought, maybe there is no "bubble" in her belly. Bottle goes back in mouth and 5 seconds later, we have projectile vomit. After a sheet change, clothing change, and sponge bath for Chloe, I learned my lesson...baby MUST burp!

Here are some pics from the past month.

Tiny Chloe

Uncle Brent (Sara's Brother)

Uncle Josh (Sara's brother-in-law)

Aunt Angie (Sara's sister)

Chloe's cousins (Angie's kids)

With Mom

"Lovey" Blanket
(Thanks, Shannon.)

Sara's Favorite Scarf
(Look at pics of Sara above)

But the fruit of the Spirit is LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GOODNESS, GENTLENESS AND SELF-CONTROL. Against such things there is no law. --Galatians 5:22-23

Chloe is definitely helping to bring out the fruits of the spirit in my life.

Refiner's Fire...

2009-10-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

Chloe Grace

Chloe and I spent the weekend at my parent's lake house outside of Austin, TX. It was a relaxing time, and I was able to spend a lot of time reflecting and digesting what just happened in my life. Life is starting to "slow down" which is nice, but the reality of "the situation" is setting in more each day.

Friday was a tough day on me, as the reality of Sara's departure from Earth became more real. My mom has lots of pictures around the house, and seeing Sara and I at our wedding and during our time in Japan brought back a FLOOD of happy memories, quickly followed by sadness about her being gone.

After spending some time reading and praying, it is clear that there are going to be tough days ahead, but things will get better. A good friend told me, "It is okay to allow yourself to go into the pit (of grief), but you cannot stay there!" As I began going through the 100s of comments left on the blog, I was pulled back out of the pit by reading about the lives being changed!

Music has continued to minister to me and the song "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens speaks some truth about where I am at right now. I'm not going to write the words to the song, but click here to listen to and read the lyrics. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtNzOpKvPfw

Chloe's First Trip to the Lake

Nannie (my mom)

Aunt Camille and Uncle Jason
(Family Friends)

Unhappy Chloe

I am so glad that Sara and I decided to come back to Texas for her treatment. Being close to family has been such a blessing during the past few months...and is even more so now!

As I spent time reading at the lake, I continued to come across references to a refiner's fire.

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver... --Malachi 3:3a

I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, "They are my people," and they will say, "The LORD is our God." --Zechariah 13:9b

Some of you may have heard the story about the lady who was interested in the refinement process and went to the silversmith to get a first hand look at the process. Here is a quick recap...

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

A refiner's fire is used to purify. A refiner's fire is VERY HOT! A refiner has to pay utmost attention to what he is doing, lest the fine metal being purified will be destroyed.

I feel that the journey from February 23 (mammogram) to September 22 (Sara's death) was the Lord preparing to do some refinement. Before the metal can be refined, it takes a long journey from the mine in the ground to the refinery. Sara's death was the spark that ignited the flame, and since that day, God has been and is "refining" lots of peoples lives!

John Piper preached a sermon on the different types of fires. He says, "A forest fire is devastating and destroys indiscriminately. An incinerator consumes completely ... A refiner's fire refines. It purifies. It melts down the bar of gold or silver, separates out the impurities that ruin it's value, burns them up, and leaves the gold or silver intact." http://www.worshipmap.com/sermons/piper-mal3,1.html

After watching the refinement process, the lady visiting the silversmith had one more question...

...The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

Typically, change is neither comfortable nor pleasant. However, when the change is due to a purifying or refining process, we can rest assured that the outcome of the process will better in the end.

The refinement process is complete once the refiner can see his REFLECTION in the precious metal.

As stated previously, the pastor at Sara's service encouraged people to not just remember Sara, but to be different because of knowing Sara. I will take it a step farther. Sara was the AMAZING WOMAN that she was because of who Christ was in her. So, don't be different because of knowing Sara, but be different by knowing the Christ that Sara knew.

Thanks for continuing to check on us.

Happy Birthday, Sara...

2009-09-30T04:30:00.000-07:00

"Happy Birthday, Mom!"

Twenty-nine years ago, on her mother's birthday, Sara was welcomed into the world in Pasadena, Texas. September 30, 1980 marked the first day of the "life changing" saga of Sara Sullivan.

Sara's "Celebration of Life" services this weekend were beautiful. The service on Saturday began with the 1000+ people in attendance singing praises to the Lord. We sang Sara's favorite song, "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever." Then, Sara's youth pastor, Chris, started the service by having everyone SMILE! Sara was known for her smile and this was so fitting! After discussing Psalm 23 (walking through the valley of the shadow of death), Chris encouraged people to not just remember Sara's life, but to be different because of knowing Sara. Then he talked about the legacy that Sara left behind. A dear friend of ours sang "Legacy" as the service was coming to a close.

"LEGACY" by Nichole Nordeman

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy and accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such-n-such...it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need and 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

Click the link to hear the song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vbi4nSrhRxo

After the song, Chris gave an invitation to the group, allowing those who wanted to experience the peace that Sara had, to accept Christ as their Savior. Many raised their hands and accepted Christ on Saturday afternoon.

Here is a neat story about a life that was forever changed this weekend. Some of my details might be a little fuzzy, but you will get the gist...

On Friday night, there were lots of people at the church for the viewing. The line to see Sara's body got backed up and the queue of people started to wrap around the outside of the church building. There was a football practice going on across the street and the long line of people got the attention of a guy named Mike. After the practice concluded, Mike walked over to the church to see what the crowd had gathered for. After asking some questions, Mike learned about Sara and somebody gave him the blog address. After reading the blog on Friday evening, Mike was back at the funeral on Saturday, as a complete stranger. Sara's story had struck a cord within Mike's heart and during the invitation at the end of the service, Mike chose to follow Christ. SARA, YOU CONTINUE TO REACH OTHERS AND CHANGE LIVES!

In a previous post, I was disappointed about Sara being unable to donate her heart because of the cancer and chemo. As I thought about this for the past few days, it became apparent that everyone that Sara has impacted has a small piece of her heart. She has been "donating her heart" for the past 29 years...and continues to do so.

I hope and pray that Chloe will develop a heart like her mother's. Chloe will forever have a reminder of her Mom with her "Heart Tattoo" birthmark on her right arm.

Heart Birthmark

It has become more apparent over the past week, that September 22, 2009 was Sara's time to go. As Chloe and I were driving back to San Antonio on Tuesday morning, I was doing lots of thinking. I started thinking about the timing of everything that has transpired over the past 8 months. The timing of us finding the lump in Sara's breast, the timing of Chloe's conception, the timing of the chemotherapy treatments, the timing of the first bleeding complications. Then I prayed and thanked the Lord for Chloe's premature birth. Think about it...she was not supposed to be born for another 3 weeks.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. --Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Sara, on your birthday, we remember you and the multitude of happy memories we have with you. I can only offer you kind words on this day. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for choosing me and giving me an incredible 5 years of marriage. Thank you for our baby girl. Know that I will do my best to raise our daughter in a way that would make you proud. I LOVE YOU!

Lord, thank you for knitting Sara's life together and for perfectly orchestrating her 10,584 days on Earth.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. --Psalm 139:13

P.S. Happy Birthday Momma Sheryl (Sara's mom). I love you, too!

Grandpa Larry (my dad)

Funeral Details...

2009-09-23T10:57:00.001-07:00

The visitation and funeral will be held at:

First Baptist Church - Deer Park
438 East 8th Street
Deer Park, TX 77536

Visitation will be on Friday, September 25 from 5:00pm - 8:00pm.

Sara's funeral service will be on Saturday, September 26 at 11:00am.

In lieu of flowers, please send donations to:

Sara Sullivan Memorial Fund

You can send donations via paypal at http://tinyurl.com/sarastrongmemorial

or

Write checks to: Sara Sullivan Memorial Fund

Randolph-Brooks FCU
PO Box 2097
Universal City, TX 78148

Also, one of Sara's dear friends will be compiling a book of "Sara Memories" for Chloe so that she can read about what an amazing woman her mother was.

You can send letters to Debbie Dunn at dunnz@aol.com or send handwritten letters to:

Debbie Dunn
500 Riders Trail
Austin, TX 78733

See you this weekend. God Bless.

Heaven Bound...

2009-09-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

Sara's final test to check for blood flow to the brain was completed around 11:00am this morning. The results came back and there was no blood flow. Soon thereafter, the doctor declared Sara as brain dead.

After some discussions with the Organ Donation Team, Sara was only able to donate her eyes. Based on her cancer diagnosis and chemotherapy, her heart, lungs, kidneys, and liver were unable to be donated. Sara would have wanted to continue giving and I WANTED SOMEONE TO HAVE HER HEART!!!

After we had our time with Sara this afternoon, the doctors came in and removed the ventilator. The entire family was with Sara until her heart stopped beating.

The reality of the situation has yet to sink in, but Sara is now with Jesus and for this I am thankful...and at peace! I will miss my best friend and am sorry that Chloe will not be able to know her mother, but Sara's legacy will live on through our MANY happy memories with her. Chloe will know her mother through the impact Sara had on so many lives. She was an AMAZING WOMAN who touched the lives of everyone she came in contact with!

Thank you to those of you who have been praying for us. It is completely clear to me that the Lord was calling Sara home at this time. No matter what her diagnosis had been, it was her time to go. She delivered our miracle baby and we spent a few days at home as a family. I have never seen Sara happier, and I feel as though those few days were like heaven on earth.

Memorial services will be held this weekend in Houston. Once details finalize, they will be published on the blog.

Once again, THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS FOR OUR FAMILY.

I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. --Psalm 121:1-2

Where we stand...

2009-09-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

I will start out by telling you that the prognosis for Sara is looking VERY grave. I got a call from the ICU doctor this morning at 4:00am advising me of Sara's change in status. A little after midnight, Sara had a spike in her blood pressure, followed by a drastic drop in blood pressure. Drug intervention was required to raise her BP to a normal range. Soon thereafter, her body began ridding itself of all fluids (diabetes insipidus). The doctors explained that this is typically what happens when there is brain stem compression. They took Sara downstairs for another CT scan to look at changes in her brain. There was more brain swelling than before and more fluid was compressing her brain. The doctor asked me how far I lived from the hospital, and I knew things were not good. He told me I did not need to come in immediately, but I knew today was not going to bear good news.

Once I got to the hospital, the doctor told me that when they hooked Sara back up to the EEG machine, there was hardly any brain activity (indicative of impending brain death). They explained that she had experienced cerebral herniation (the brain stem is compressed into the base of the skull) apparently cutting off blood flow to her brain. Once her blood pressure had dropped, the doctors removed the sedatives and anti-seizure medicine to help keep her blood pressure up. The doctors decided that they want to do a final test in the morning to test for blood flow to her brain. If there is no blood flow, the doctor will declare "brain death" and we will move forward with the plan to process her organs for donation.

I still believe that God can perform an amazing miracle tonight and raise her from her apparent brain death. Please join our family in prayer for that.

I cannot believe that it has come to this point (nor can the doctors), but tonight before I left, I told Sara, "Chloe and I will be okay and I want you to go in peace." This was one of the most difficult sentences I've ever spoken, but it is the TRUTH!

I have much more to share, but the bed and the baby are calling. Please pray.

The latest...

2009-09-20T14:46:00.000-07:00

The doctors are still working to pinpoint a diagnosis for Sara's condition. All of Sara's tests came back with good news yesterday. There were no clots in her extremities and no hole in her heart. The doctors are having a difficult time diagnosing Sara's condition because all of her tests appear to be normal. The symptoms were pointing to eclampsia, but they are not considering Sara's blood pressure to be excessive. The majority of the team of doctors working the case think she has "post-partum angiopathy." PRES, RPLS, and post-partum angiopathy are all very similar in that there is swelling/seeping of the blood vessels in the brain.

The radiologists seem to think that they have spotted a clot, which would point towards a stroke. This afternoon they are going to do an MRA. This is a test of the arteries going into the brain to look for a clot (done in the MRI machine). There were no clots in the veins, but they want to rule out clots completely.

After a long discussion with the lead doctor on the case, we discussed lots of "risk vs. reward" considerations with the tests. He said all of the tests they have done are "minimally invasive" and carry a small amount of risk (i.e. the rewards outweigh the risk). Once the tests begin to get risky, we have to decide on whether the risk is work it. For example, the neurologists think that she might have some excessive cranial pressure, so they want to drill into her skull and place a pressure transducer on her brain. This is extremely invasive and carries a large amount of risk. (I just got off the phone with the Neurosurgeon at Wilford Hall and he does not think that there is any benefit to placing the transducer in her brain).

The problem that Sara has is that none of her labs and blood work show a glaring problem. If some of her counts or numbers were completely out of bounds, it would be a simple problem to diagnose. All her tests have been right where they should be for a healthy person. I got a little frustrated with the doctors yesterday and I asked, "How long are you going to continue to run tests before starting treatment?" He told me he is reaching his "comfort level" and is ready to start treating the most likely case. The problem is that the treatment options for stroke vs. PRES are completely different and treating the wrong one could have devastating results.

The plan right now is to stop the sedatives tomorrow and wake her up. Everybody wants to see if she is able to respond and move all of her extremities. In her current sedated state, no harm is being done. The neurologists explained that her brain is currently on standby. The concern is that if she starts to have another seizure, there could be more damage to her brain. If she seizes, they will put her "back under" and let the brain rest for 48 hours and try to wake her up again.

I will update tomorrow regarding Sara's wake-up. Pray that there are no seizures and that there has been no permanent brain damage.

ICU Update

2009-09-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

I left the hospital at 7:00pm last night to go home and see our baby and get some sleep (I was getting delirious).

I got a call from the ICU at 2:30am giving me an update. Sara had another seizure last night that was difficult to break. After that seizure, Sara was intubated to protect her airway in the event of subsequent seizures. She was also placed on heavy sedatives and anti-seizure meds to keep her comfortable and to prevent more seizures. This required them to put her on a ventilator. I had been getting my much needed sleep until that call.

It was difficult to see Sara this morning on all of her "life-support" equipment. We still believe that this is just a temporary state as they decide on a final diagnosis/treatment plan.

The tests that still remain to be done include a full body scan for any DVT (deep vein thrombosis). After that, they are going to do another scan of her heart. There is concern (among the docs) that a clot could have passed through a hole in her heart and ended up near her brain. I don't think this is a factor based on her clear echocardiogram a few weeks ago.

The OBs are still trying to rule out eclampsia as the cause of the seizures. Sara typically has very low blood pressure (100/50). When she was admitted, her blood pressure was 150/90. The docs are currently collecting urine to do a 24-hour screen for protein and other electrolytes which will allow them to confirm or rule-out eclampsia.

The Neurologists are leaning towards Sara having Posterior Reversible Encephalopothy Syndrome (PRES). Another discussion talked about Reversible Posterior Leukoencephalopothy Syndrome (RPLS). I'm not going to describe them here...you can google them if interested. Key words are REVERSIBLE. This is why I'm a little anxious about getting a diagnosis and treatment started. The anti-seizure and sedatives are keeping her blood pressure down which is needed to prevent future seizures.

I just had a discussion with one of her doctors about continuing to run different tests vs. getting treatement started. He assured me that they are treating her as they continue to search for an exact diagnosis. I was glad to hear that.

Most of the test results should be back by the end of today and hopefully we can get the correct treatment started soon.

Thank you to everyone for being so supportive during our latest trial. The outpouring of love and support is amazing.

Continue to pray for a correct/timely diagnosis for Sara's condition and healing for her mind and body.

The Storms are Raging...

2009-09-18T18:28:00.000-07:00

Sara and I thought we had crossed the final hurdle when we brought Chloe home on Tuesday night. We were wrong. Last night, Sara started acting very confused and then started twitching. As I realized that something was wrong with her brain, I called 911. As the EMS were on the way, she started convulsing and ended up in a full blown seizure. Sara and I were taken to the nearest Emergency Room via ambulance and left Chloe with some of our good friends.

Sara continued to "seize" last night and they gave her lots of drugs to alleviate the head pain and relax the tremors. After a CT Scan and an MRI, the results were inconclusive. The doctors didn't think that it was a tumor and started leaning towards a stroke. We spent the night in the ER and ended up getting transferred to Wilford Hall this morning. The move could not have happened sooner.

The doctors are doing a full "work up" on her and at this point, they don't think she had a stroke and agree that it is not a tumor. There are still numerous other conditions to rule out before the docs can pinpoint an exact diagnosis or cause. We should know more tomorrow.

Our family came in from Houston and Austin and are taking good care of us.

At this point, Sara is in a semi-comatose state. Please pray for a COMPLETE RECOVERY and for Sara to come back home ASAP.

The blog will be updated as soon as we know more.

Life is GOOD...

2009-09-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

Chloe has continued to thrive during her first 2 days under our direct care. When we were walking out of the hospital with Chloe, I told Sara, "I cannot believe they gave her to us. Now we are 100% responsible for her well-being." It seemed like a fairly daunting task, but she is doing great.

Her day consists of sleeping, eating, and pooping. The doctors encouraged us to wake her up every 3 hours to feed her. Being a preemie, they said that she probably would not wake up crying when she was hungry. We are tired, but having her at home is TOTALLY worth it! She's eating like a champ and is gaining weight.

Sara is still having her headaches, but they seem to be getting milder. I have a call in to the anesthesia office at Wilford Hall to discuss "epidural induced headaches" and what we can do to alleviate them. I'm 99% sure that the needle sticks to her spine are causing them (I did lots of reading yesterday).

Here are some pics of the little one.

Behold, children are a gift from the Lord. The fruit of the womb is a reward. --Psalms 127:3

AMEN!

CHLOE IS HOME!

2009-09-15T19:17:00.000-07:00

We brought our baby girl home this evening. We are tired, but here are a few pics until we can update more later.

Bath with Momma

Doctor that delivered Chloe

Going Home!

Chloe's Crib

I cannot tell you how happy we are to be together as a family in our own home! Tomorrow will be the first time in 30 days that I do not drive across town to the hospital. Hallelujah!

She's growing...

2009-09-14T19:37:00.000-07:00

Our Little Miracle

Chloe has been gaining weight for the past 3 days. The doctors continue to be impressed at how well she is doing. We are hoping to have her home very soon!

Here are a few of our favorite pics from the past few days.

Sara slept great last night and woke up feeling like a new person. She still has to take some drugs to alleviate the headaches, but the medicine really helps. We think the 3 large needle sticks to her spine (2 attempts at the epidural followed by the spinal anesthetic) could be the culprit for causing the headaches. Hopefully they will subside soon.

Chloe had an echocariogram today to check out her heart. Based on the fact that Sara received Adriamycin (chemo drug) during her pregnancy, they wanted to make sure Chloe's heart was not damaged from it (potential side effect).

Echocardiogram

There are not too many cases of pregnant women receiving chemotherapy, so the effects of chemo on babies in utero are unknown. Her results came back and her heart looks great.

I went to work and flew today, but found myself REALLY missing spending time with my girls! I am not working for the next 2 weeks and look forward to lots of family time!

Please pray for Chloe's continued growth and for Sara's headaches to cease. Thank you.

Whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God above, who created all heaven's lights. Unlike them, he never changes or casts shifting shadows. --James 1:17

Bonding...

2009-09-12T17:25:00.000-07:00

Holding Hands

Sara and I have thoroughly enjoyed the past few days with our new daughter. Tears were flowing last night when it was time for us to go home and leave Chloe at the hospital. I reassured Sara that she was in good hands and that we would be back early in the morning. It was still very tough on both of us.

The nurses put Chloe's feeding tube back in yesterday afternoon. The sucking reflex develops around the 34th week of gestation, and Chloe is right there developmentally. She is able to breast feed and take a bottle, but was only eating enough to stay hydrated...not gain weight. She tends to go to sleep before she has eaten the required amount. She is down to 4 lbs, but the docs are not concerned...yet. After she goes to sleep, if she has not eaten her required amount, she gets the remainder via the feeding tube. When they took it out on day 2, the docs told us not to consider it a "setback" if the tube had to go back in. We still want it out!

Sara developed a horrible head ache and was vomiting last night and today. After getting to the hospital this morning, she fed Chloe and then needed to go home and go to bed. She called her mom and sister to come get her and take her home. As they left the hospital, Sara puked again and decided to call the OB Triage Nurse. They had her come in and did some blood work. All is well, and they think her headache was caused by tension in her back and neck. She has gone through a lot in the past few weeks. She got some drugs and some sleep and is feeling much better.

Today, Chloe and I had some good "daddy - daughter" bonding time. I gave her a bath and got to feed her throughout the day. As soon as her bath was finished, I got her dressed and fed her. Moments later, she puked all over herself. I think she is going to teach me a lot about patience.

Thank you for your continued prayers and we look forward to introducing Chloe to you.

Our Baby...

2009-09-10T16:44:00.000-07:00

Here are some pics from the past few days with Chloe.

1 Day Old

2 Days Old

Sara and Chloe

Our Fam

Chloe is doing great and just moved from the Level III NICU (intensive care) to the Level II (step-down) Unit. She is in an "open crib" without the incubator. She is done with feeding tubes and is eating fairly well. Those are 2 big hurdles that she had to overcome before she gets to go home (regulating body temperature and eating/gaining weight).

Sara will be discharged tomorrow and we are excited about getting to spend the night together in our house. No words yet on when we can expect Chloe to go home, but the move out of the NICU today was HUGE!

For all of you who have called and emailed, we truly appreciate all the words of encouragement and you reaching out to us. Don't take it personally if you do not get an immediate response.

Thanks for checking up on us.

Welcome to the World...

2009-09-09T06:11:00.001-07:00

Details about yesterday...

Soon after I got to the hospital yesterday morning, Sara's contractions started getting very uncomfortable. The doctor did an exam and she was not dilated. After continuous bleeding for hours yesterday, we had another discussion with the MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) Doctor. Basically, MFMs are the OBs for Complicated Pregnancies. He told us that if the pain got unbearable, or her bleeding got worse (i.e. Sara needing transfusions) they would induce labor. Sara was passing golf ball sized clots every 45-60 minutes throughout the day. I kept asking, "How do you determine when there has been too much blood?" I thought there had been enough!

Around 8:00pm, Sara opted for the epidural. After the needle was in her back, they administered a "test dose" to make sure the needle was placed correctly. All of a sudden, Sara's neck started hurting and they put her on oxygen. Then, Chloe's heart rate plummeted to 60 beats/minute (baseline was 140 beats/minute). The nurse looked at me and in a concerned, elevated voice, said, "Go get a doctor!" Moments later, we were ripping Sara's leads from the wall and RUNNING her bed down the hall to the Operating Room for an emergency C-section. As I was getting dressed in my scrubs, from the other side of the OR door, I heard them say, "Her heartrate is back to 130 and she is stable." Huge sigh of relief...

About this time, another Emergency C-Section tore into the OR with doctors and nurses huffing and puffing from running the hospital bed down the hall. The other lady was more critical and there was some controlled chaos going on as the doctors went back and forth between the 2 operating rooms.

As soon as Sara was prepped and numb, the docs let me come back and watch the C-section. I saw them pull her uterus out and set it on her stomach. Then, there was one more slice and I saw our baby girl. She was blue and not moving or crying. Sara said, "How does she look?" I took a big gulp, and in my most reassuring voice I said, "She looks good." The OB passed her off to the pediatricians from the NICU and they were gone with Chloe. The next few moments were fairly tense as we waited for any news. I asked to go to the NICU, but they told me I had to wait for them to come get me. Within 3 minutes, our nurse came out and said, "She is 4 lbs. 7 oz and has pinked up and is coughing and sneezing." She then took our camera and got some pics of Chloe for us. As they were sewing Sara up, I went and shared the news with our family at the hospital.

Within 30 minutes, I was meeting our baby girl in the NICU.

Meeting Chloe

One of the pediatricians came over and told me that she was doing great and that she was not breathing when they got her out (thus her blue tint). I learned about the APGAR Score last night. Basically, the APGAR test is a test on newborns to see how prepared they are for entry into the world. It is scored on a 1 to 10 scale and the first test is done at 1 minute and the next at 5 minutes after birth. The test checks the baby's Activity, Pulse, Grimace (Reflex), Appearance, and Respiration. At the 1 minute check, Chloe scored a 2 (not good). By the 5 minute check, she was at an 8 (very good). She was on a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine until around 4:00am (to keep her lungs inflated) and was off of all oxygen by 7:15am this morning. She's a fighter!

Soon after Sara was wheeled back upstairs from Surgery Recovery, she got to see Chloe for the first time. Talk about an incredible moment. Our family of 3 was all together...AND HEALTHY!!!

Sara meets Chloe

(Mask on face is CPAP device, IV in right hand, blood pressure cuff on right leg, PulseOx on left foot, Heart Rate cords on belly)

First Family Photo

We got to hold her for the first time this morning. Another incredible moment! We cannot thank you enough for your prayers for us at this special time in our lives. We are forever grateful!

Day 1 - No more oxygen

First time holding Chloe

Chloe Grace...Welcome to the World!

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. --1 Samuel 1:27

Chloe Grace is here...

2009-09-08T20:26:00.001-07:00

Sara had a C-section and Chloe was born at 9:55pm. She weighed 4 lbs. 7 oz and is 17.5 inches long. Everybody is doing GREAT.

Thank you for your prayers.

She's on the way...

2009-09-08T16:51:00.000-07:00

Sara started contracting last night around midnight. I got a phone call at home at 2:00am from Sara letting me know the update. The phone rang again at 6:30am with the news that they were going to be moving Sara over to the Labor and Delivery wing.

After a day full of contractions and bleeding, we are playing the waiting game. The doctors are not going to stop labor, but Sara could continue in the phase of labor for a long time.

We will update the blog when Chloe is here! They are hoping that her body progresses naturally, and that they won't have to do a C-section, but they are prepared either way.

Five Years and Counting...

2009-09-04T18:41:00.000-07:00

Sara and I had an "unforgettable" 5th anniversary at Wilford Hall. Even though it was not where we would have liked to have been...it was another memorable step on our journey together! Our dinner consisted of pizza and pasta from the gourmet restaurant called Pizza Hut...seriously. However, it hit the spot. Some of the ladies from our squadron brought us some sparkling cider and dessert which "classed up" our Pizza Hut meal.

5 Years - Wilford Hall / San Antonio, TX

As I attempted to sleep on the floor next to Sara's hospital bed (on an air mattress), I started thinking about our past 5 years of marriage. Where we've been and what we've done...how my love for her has grown stronger and stronger with each year...how amazed I am at how she has continued to SHINE through this past year...how honored I am to call her my wife!

I cannot pinpoint why I was unable to get a wink of sleep...maybe it was the fact that Sara gets up to go to the bathroom every hour...or maybe it was the bright orange light that was shining under Sara's bed...or maybe it was the green LEDs flashing on her bed control (right next to my face). Maybe, IT WAS THE FACT THAT I WAS ON THE FLOOR OF A HOSPITAL ON MY ANNIVERSARY NIGHT!

As Sara stated in the last blog, it is against the rules for husbands to stay the night in the Antepartum Ward. Sara asked her doctor if it was going to be a problem if I stayed, and he told her it would probably be okay. However, he made sure she understood that there was to be no "extracurricular activities" as he put it. The final decision was up to the night shift nurse, and she was awesome.

We watched a movie and just enjoyed spending time together. We are so ready to be back together under the same roof!

We don't have much news to report. Chloe will have another growth scan on Wednesday. The plan is to let Sara continue to progress with the pregnancy until around 36 weeks. If labor hasn't begun by that point, they will look at inducing. The docs could induce anytime, but we want to be able to bring Chloe home soon after her arrival (hopefully no NICU time), so we are going to push it back as long as possible. The reason that Sara is still in the hospital is just in case there is a complete placental abruption. They would need to do an emergency C-section in that case. Not likely, but we are opting to be more conservative and plan for the worst case and hope and pray for the best.

Here are a few pictures from our past anniversaries.

4 Years - Misawa, Japan

3 Years - Slide Rock State Park / Sedona, AZ

2 Years - Korean Folk Village / Suwon, South Korea

1 Year - Sheppard AFB / Wichita Falls, TX

Fall of 1998

We are amazed at all that we've experienced since we met each other 11 years ago. We look forward to the future together as we begin the new chapter of life called PARENTHOOD. Keep praying!

Austin Baby Shower

2009-08-30T12:13:00.000-07:00

32 weeks

Well, I've been in the hospital for two weeks now and the time is not passing as quickly as I would like. I know each day is a gift, and I don't want to seem ungrateful for another day that is not guaranteed to me, but I have to be honest and say I really miss being at home with my husband and in my own house. I know the Lord is in control and it is because of this confidence I have in Him that I will choose to be joyful and praise Him from my tiny room here at the hospital. My days seem to be the same...I get up, turn on K-Love, eat breakfast, spend time with Jesus, shower and get dressed(thankfully I can wear my own clothes), check email, watch "What not to Wear", read, have lunch, read more or look stuff up on the computer, talk to family and friends, and wait for my beloved husband to come see me after work, eat dinner together, hang out and watch "Wheel of Fortune", enjoy every moment together until he has to go home, read, watch TV, or find something to fill my time until I go to sleep, and then do the same thing all over again. Yesterday, Brady asked me if it was beginning to feel like groundhog day...I laughed and said it kind of does. I do feel blessed though, because I am not stuck in my bed like so many people on bed rest. I can go down the hall and get some water and go anywhere in the hospital as long as someone pushes me in a wheelchair. I also have been blessed by so many people coming to visit me. This is what makes the days special and what I look forward to the most.

This past Saturday was one of the most exciting days yet. I had been looking forward to it for quite some time. I was supposed to have a shower in Austin, but after being put on bed rest and then being put in the hospital I was unable to go to travel for a shower. So my dear friend Becky brought the shower to me. They rented a bus and drove it down from Austin so that I could have a shower here at the hospital. I cannot say enough about how blessed I am...I am constantly overwhelmed by the love people have shown to me. I wish I could express my gratitude to match what I feel inside...there are no words to explain. Anyway, back to the shower...I had such a great time. It was so good to see so many of the ladies I just love and adore in Austin. My mom, sister and Brady's mom were all able to be here too...which made it extra special. I can't thank these ladies enough for taking time to come to San Antonio and celebrate Chloe with me and truly shower me with love.

Me and Becky (Shower Hostess)

The Austin Group

Riding In Style

I think I am having another growth scan next Tuesday and we will update the blog with info from that. We are so happy that Chloe continues to grow and is staying put for the time being.

This Friday, Brady and I will celebrate our 5-year anniversary...at the hospital! He is going to bring an air mattress and disobey the nurses orders and spend the night with me. Oh, the journeys of life...

Growth Spurt...

2009-08-24T14:23:00.000-07:00

We are happy to report that Chloe had a BIG growth spurt during the past 2 weeks. She has "defied the odds" and moved back to the 30th percentile for her gestational size. She weighed 3 lbs 9 oz today (she gained a pound in the past 2 weeks). The doctor said that Chloe's growth had been stunted by the chemo, and now that Sara has been without the chemo drugs for the past few weeks, perhaps Chloe's growth is back on track. The doctors will not be inducing labor, but Sara will still be at the hospital until Chloe arrives. We are still hoping for the 35 week mark. Sara is currently 31.5 weeks.

This morning, Sara had a surprise baby shower. The doctors organized a small shower for the 3 ladies who have been on bed rest for a LONG time. The other 2 ladies were unable to have baby showers, so the docs took care of that. They are awesome, and we feel blessed to be under such great care!

Sara with 2 of her Docs

This past weekend was fairly uneventful. A doctor from the NICU came down and talked to us and answered some questions. He told us what we could expect in the event that they had to deliver Chloe this week. After our questions were answered, we went and toured the NICU. It was very good for us to see the 2 pound babies that were "stable." They were tiny, but had all their body parts that were functioning properly. However, after the results from the growth scan today, we are still hoping that we won't have to utilize the NICU services. Keep praying! It's comforting to know that they are just down the hall, in the event that we need them.

Thanks for the prayers. They are being felt...and answered!!!

Saturday Night Dinner Date

A Healthy Heart...

2009-08-21T16:33:00.000-07:00

Sara's echocardiogram results came back with good news. Her heart was NOT damaged by the Adriamycin. The potential for permanent damage from the chemo had been one of our biggest concerns. After this phase of life is behind us, Sara wants teach aerobics again and since her heart is "good to go" she will be able to get back to the gym.

We were hoping for Sara to be able to come home after the weekend, but after a few more "bleeding episodes" while at the hospital, she has secured herself a spot in the Antepartum Ward until Chloe arrives. However, Sara's stay might not be too long...she started having "regular contractions" this morning and when I called her after my flight today, she said they might be moving her to the Labor and Delivery wing. I sped to the hospital.

Throughout the day, the contractions subsided and have become irregularly spaced (i.e. not labor contractions). The doctors told us that the contractions could have been a result of the bleeding (the uterus was aggravated by the blood and was trying to expel it) or the contractions could have caused the bleeding. Still lots of unknowns.

Upon further discussions with the doctor, she said that the baby looks great and that these irregular contractions could go on for weeks or we could have a baby in the next few days. This morning, Sara received a second dose of steroids to accelerate Chloe's lung development. They told us before, that they would only inject a second round of steroids if they expected delivery within the next 14 days. We are excited to meet Chloe, but want her to stay inside for a few more weeks.

The doctors also told us that they are not going to do anything to prevent labor from occurring. With the abruption, they will allow Sara to deliver when her body decides it is time.

On Monday afternoon, Chloe will have another growth scan. This will be a telltale sign of when we can expect her. If there has been no growth during the past 2 weeks, the doctors will induce labor. Basically, Sara's placenta is shot from the chemo and if it is not providing enough nutrients for growth, they need to get Chloe into the NICU and support her outside the womb.

As we continue our journey into the unknown, we are continuing to trust...with our 2 HEALTHY HEARTS!

A Father's Love...

2009-08-19T15:51:00.000-07:00

For the past few weeks, I have not been able to get this thought out of my head...

As I spend time with my heavenly father each day, I cannot help but think about my own dad, and the fact that my beloved husband is about to become a daddy as well. I tell Chloe everyday how blessed she is, to not only have a heavenly father who loves her more than she will ever understand, but also an earthly father who cannot wait to hold her and love on her. I get so excited for this precious relationship that Chloe and Brady will get to experience. There is such a special bond between a father and daughter...one that I believe is so important and cannot wait for Brady to experience. I tell Brady all the time that he will have such an important impact on how Chloe views herself, and her confidence in who she is as a young girl, teenager, and woman.

I am so blessed to have a father who has always made me feel like a princess. Not in a snooty, bratty, or cheesy way, but in a way that I knew I was special, beautiful, and precious in my father's sight. I never had to turn to guys to get the male attention that we as girls, teenagers, and young women so desperately desire. My daddy was always there for me, and for this I am forever grateful (as is Brady). I truly believe that one of the reasons it has been so easy for me to see God as a loving father, who desires nothing but the best for me, is because my dad has been nothing but a loving and supportive father to me for my entire life.

Me and My Daddy

I have never questioned God or wondered why certain things happen...I have always had this confidence and trust in Him, believing with all my heart that He walks with me through all of life's trials. There is so much comfort in knowing that my God, my Father, is with me and will never forsake me. Through this journey, during the past 6 months, I can say that I have clung to God's word, especially when He tells me not to fear.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. --Isaiah 41:10

I have told Brady that I feel as thought the Lord has always "kept me." I have never questioned His existence or His love for me...this is a prayer that I pray for Chloe. I pray that she will feel as though she always has a special bond and love, not only for her daddy, but for her heavenly father as well.

I know that Brady will be an amazing father, as he has been the most amazing husband to me. I hate that I am currently in a position where he has to take care of everything...and I just sit. He has been such a picture of what Christ has called him to be.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy... --Ephesians 5:25

Since we received the news about the cancer, Brady has done nothing but make sacrifices for me and our precious baby. I pray daily that he will allow the Lord to be his strength because I know without the Lord, it would be an even harder task, and one that would probably make him bitter.

I will end this with a sweet story that made my heart leap, as I saw this special bond already developing. Last Saturday night, Brady was in Houston for his high school reunion. As we were telling each other goodnight (on the phone), I asked him to say "goodnight" to Chloe. I put the phone down on my belly for Brady to talk to his baby girl. After a few seconds, she started to kick at the phone. I thought it was the neatest thing; she heard her daddy's voice and was responding to it. I could not wait to share this with Brady, but I let him talk a little more as she continued to kick at his voice. I cannot wait to see my precious husband holding our baby girl...the thought of it brings tears to my eyes.

Chloe and Her Daddy

Becoming parents is truly an amazing gift that the Lord has entrusted us with, and we praise Him for this. I cannot help but think about the sacrifice He made for us as I think about becoming a parent. He gave the greatest gift of all, when He gave his son Jesus to die for us. I am brought back to the cross and am overwhelmed with gratitude for this gift of redemption. What am amazing gift we have...in our Father's love.

Extended Stay...

2009-08-18T15:01:00.000-07:00

Sara is delighted that she gets to spend her next week at the luxurious WHMC (Wilford Hall Medical Center) Resort and Spa. I hope you can sense my facetiousness.

Sara and Chloe "behaved" last night and there has been no new bleeding, but after the OBs discussed Sara's condition this morning, they think it is in our best interest to keep her here until next Monday (at the earliest). After a brief discussion with the doctor, here's what we just learned...

1. Some of the OBs think that after a third "bleed" that the patient should be on bed rest at the hospital until delivery. Chloe continues to show no stress, so the compromise is to let Sara go home next week if there is no more bleeding and the next growth scan looks good.

2. Chloe's growth has slowed and after her next growth scan, she is probably going to be considered a "growth restricted" baby (anything in the bottom 10% is labeled as growth restricted). At the first growth scan, she was measuring in the 30th percentile, the next was 19th and the last one was in the 11th percentile. Based on her original "curve" she is now "off the line" and will more than likely be sub-10% next week.

3. As long as Chloe continues to grow, she will stay inside the womb. If she stops growing inside, they will induce labor, so that Sara can continue with her chemo treatments sooner. There is limited benefit to keeping a non-growing baby in the womb...or at least the benefits of getting chemo started sooner outweigh any small benefits of keeping Chloe in utero.

4. Our new goal is for Sara to get to 35 weeks prior to delivery. The 35 week milestone is important for a few reasons. If Chloe is born prior to 35 weeks, she will definitely spend some time in the NICU. If she makes it past 35 weeks, the NICU will only be utilized on an as needed basis. The NICU is well aware of our "situation" and is ready for Chloe if she decides to surprise us in the next few weeks. If she continues to grow, they won't induce labor prior to 37 or 38 weeks.

5. If Sara's tests indicate that she might need to deliver within the next 14 days, the doctors will administer another round of steroids to further develop Chloe's lungs (currently, this is not the plan).

6. The doctors will start doing biweekly doppler tests to continue to measure development. The doppler will be the quickest way for them to note any potential problems.

Sara and I had a small outing in the hospital this afternoon. We went and got her post-chemo echocardiogram a few floors down. Who knew a trip to the cardiology department would bring Sara such joy?

Field Trip

She was very happy to get out of her room, even though it was in a wheelchair. One of the potential side effects of the Adriamycin (chemo drug) is cardiotoxicity. Prior to her starting chemo, the docs got a baseline reading on her heart. The echo results will probably be back tomorrow, showing if there has been any damage to her cardiac muscle. The OB also wants to know how her heart is functioning, as labor tends to be very stressful on the heart. We anticipate that there has been no damage. Even though Sara received over 1/2 of the allowable life time dose of Adriamycin, the amount she received is less than what typically causes heart issues (based on my research).

Thanks for checking up on us.

Unexpected Update...

2009-08-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

Disregard my last post about waiting 2 weeks until the next update. We have some "unexpected news" to share sooner than we had anticipated. At 5:45am this morning, Sara started bleeding again. So, here we sit at Wilford Hall. Sara was admitted and they are going to keep her overnight (possibly longer) for observation. Both she and Chloe are fine.

The doctors did the Doppler Test on Chloe this morning and we are happy to report that she is receiving adequate blood flow. They were focusing on a few different parts of her body, primarily her brain. They were checking the velocity at which the blood was flowing through her Middle Cerebral Artery (fyi - it was flowing at 4.8 cm/sec).

Doppler Test on Cerebral Artery

I am continually amazed at all the testing they are able to do on unborn babies. After all the checks were done, Chloe had a little photo session. Before she is born, we are going to have enough ultrasound images to fill an album.

On the way to the hospital this morning, Sara and I were talking about each bleeding episode, and whether each one was caused by a new placental "tear" site. The doctors told us that each time Sara bleeds, it is coming from the same site. Her issue is called a "chronic abruption." We were able to see the actual site of the placenta damage on the ultrasound this morning (it's a pretty small area).

As we pulled up to the hospital this morning, Sara said, "Here we are again, our home away from home." This was confirmed during our time in the OB Triage area. The doctor was in the middle of his exam on Sara and needed some cotton swabs. The new nurse started fumbling around, looking in random cabinets, unable to find the swabs. I finally said, "Look in the second drawer from the left." There they were. We've been through the same process each of the past few times we've been here, so it is becoming fairly routine. They offered to put me to work.

We are hoping that Sara will be able to come home tomorrow morning after another exam and some more blood work. We'll keep you posted. Keep praying for our baby.

We were joking about how we need to quit posting the "good news" blogs. It always seems that we are back in the hospital the day after we share the good news about Sara and Chloe. Be advised, we will continue to share the Sullivan Sagas will with you. We are not afraid!

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. --Deuteronomy 31:8

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. --Ephesians 6:10-11

Virtual Baby Shower...

2009-08-16T11:08:00.000-07:00

30 weeks

Sara has made it through the past 2 weeks without any unscheduled trips to the hospital. Despite our recent gripes about the numerous treks to Wilford Hall, Sara actually looks forward to her 2 weekly trips to the doctor...they are the only times she gets to leave the house. This past Tuesday, after 20 minutes on the fetal heart monitor, the doctors did a growth scan on Chloe (her heart rate is strong and healthy). She continues to grow and will undergo growth scans every 2 weeks to monitor her progress. This past week she was "sizing" about 2 weeks smaller than the average 30 week baby. She weighed 2 lbs 7 oz. and is still on the charts, but is in the 11th percentile of gestational size. When we told Angie (Sara's sister), she said, "She's bigger than both my girls were. They were (and still are) in the bottom 5% for their age."

Today, Sara had a baby shower in Houston. You might be asking yourself, "...but isn't Sara on bed rest?" Yes she is, but the advent of the webcam allowed Sara to "be" at the baby shower in Houston. Angie hooked the webcam up to the big TV and Sara was "virtually" there with her Houston friends and family.

View from Houston

View from San Antonio

I spent Saturday night in Houston for my 10 year high school reunion. Mom came down to spend the night with Sara so I was able to go. The reunion was a great time and we had an impressive turn out. Chloe's Nannie (my mom) brought some gifts for Sara to open during her shower.

To: Chloe
From: Nannie

While at the reunion, I was repeatedly berated for not updating the blog frequently enough. If you are one of those people who checks the blog daily, thank you for that, and I'm sorry for the lengthy delay between updates.

We will be back at the hospital on Tuesday morning for a Doppler Test. The doctors are going to examine the placenta and umbilical cord to make sure that Chloe is receiving adequate blood flow and that all the vital parts of her body are being infused with the appropriate amount of blood.

Each passing week is another step towards us getting to meet our healthy baby girl. We are getting more and more excited as the time passes. She has been responding to our voices with some jabs and kicks to Sara's belly.

Unless we have any unexpected news, look for an update in 2 weeks after the next growth scan. Thanks for continuing to check up on us and praying for our little one.

Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name, make known among the nations what he has done. --Psalms 105:1

P.S. Regarding the barking dog next door... A friend recently sent us an Ultrasonic BarkFree Device which emits an extremely high pitched sound when it hears barking. The noise is not audible to the human ear, but apparently is not too comfortable to dogs. We think it's working, as we have had numerous good nights of sleep since the device arrived. Thanks Jen!

Another trip...

2009-08-04T07:24:00.000-07:00

Sara could not handle the thought of having a relaxing weekend at home, so at 5:00AM on Sunday morning, we got in the car and drove to Wilford Hall...AGAIN!

She started bleeding early Sunday morning, and the doctors gave us strict "come back" criteria. The bleeding met that criteria and we were hospital-bound. Chloe is fine and Sara is doing well. She was admitted after a few hours in triage, but after another exam, lots of Chloe testing, and some more lab work, they allowed her to come home on Monday afternoon.

Callie, Sara and Ansley (nieces)

The doctor told us that she is not on strict bed rest, but the less movement she does, the better. I feel like I tell her to "sit down" or "quit moving" at least every 15 minutes. Chloe is moving a lot and still seems unaware of the "placenta trauma" that has taken place. On Tuesday, the OB will do another growth scan to make sure Chloe's growth has not stalled out. Sara's belly gets bigger every week, so we're not too concerned about this.

Chloe Grace - 28 weeks

Though San Antonio is experiencing a severe drought right now, it seems that the "storms" continue over the Sullivan household...BRING THE RAIN!

Bring the Rain...

2009-07-29T18:36:00.000-07:00

I am hearing voices in my head. I'm not going crazy, but for the past few weeks I have been experiencing excessive "inner-dialogue." My subconscious keeps asking "WHY?" The conscious answer I respond with is, "It does not matter WHY."

After spending the past weekend at the hospital with Sara and looking at the possibility of her spending the next few months there, I began to feel sorry for Sara and even for myself. What did Sara do to deserve to be "locked up" inside the walls of Wilford Hall? Why am I going to have to spend the next 3 months separated from my wife? What did I do to deserve to drive an extra 90 minutes a day to and from the hospital? Then, I started to think about Job (from the Bible). Following is a passage from Job about his background and some trials he faced...

In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil. He had seven sons and three daughters, and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East.

His sons used to take turns holding feasts in their homes, and they would invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would send and have them purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, "Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts." This was Job's regular custom.

One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them. The Lord said to Satan, "Where have you come from?"

Satan answered the Lord, "From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it."

Then the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil."

"Does Job fear God for nothing?" Satan replied. "Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face."

The Lord said to Satan, "Very well, then, everything he has in is your hands, but on the man himself do not lay a finger."

Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord.

Once day when Job's sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, a messenger came to Job and said, "The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby, and the Sabeans attacked and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"

While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, "The fire of God fell from the sky and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"

While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, "The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and carried them off. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"

While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, "Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother's house, when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!"

At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.
--Job 1:1-22

Job did NOTHING to deserve to lose EVERYTHING. Yet, even though he lost it all, Job still continued to PRAISE GOD! It does not matter "WHY?"

This story helps to put things into perspective for me. Yes, it stinks that Sara was diagnosed with cancer. Yes, it stinks that we had to leave our life in Japan 18 months before our planned time. Yes, it stinks that Sara is on bed rest for 3 months. But in comparison with "what could have been," we're doing just fine! It's neat to look back at the past 6 months and see how faithful God has been. It's comforting to know that God has a plan for us and has our best interest at heart. Sometimes it is hard to see HOW this is our best interest, but we continue to trust.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
--Romans 8:28

One of Sara's friends recently wrote and referenced the song called "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me. After listening to the words, I feel like this is our theme song since February 23 (date of Sara's mammogram).

If you want to hear the song, you can go to this link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m17af0XmPFo

Bring the Rain
by Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I can praise you
With all that I've gone through.
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You.

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind.
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead, I draw closer through these times.

So I pray...

Bring my joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory.
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain.
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, BRING THE RAIN.

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain.
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me, what's a little rain?

So I pray...

It is easy to get so focused on our little world and forget about the millions of other people who are suffering and going through tougher times that we are. Job went through some tough times and difficult trials in his life, yet he chose to praise the name of the Lord...despite his circumstances. I believe that God felt that Sara was up to the challenge and knew that we would not curse his name and choose to praise the name of the Lord...despite the circumstances.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. --James 1:12

Sara and Chloe are both doing well. Sara had a check up at the hospital this morning and they put Chloe on the monitor for 30 minutes to check her heartbeat. She is still under no stress and is doing well. We will meet with the OB again on Tuesday and hopefully do another growth scan. Today, Sara is 28 weeks pregnant and we are praying that she won't have to deliver before 36 weeks. Please join us in that prayer.

Thank you for continuing to check up on us.

Back at home...

2009-07-27T11:14:00.000-07:00

Well, this morning my doctor came in to tell me that I was going to be discharged from the hospital...praise Jesus! Because there has been no more bleeding and they have given me the steroids to develop Chloe's lungs, they said I could go home. I am on bed rest at home, but this is so much better than being in the hospital. I will get to spend the nights with my husband...I was a little sad when he had to leave last night and I was stuck there. Please pray that Chloe will continue to grow and I will have no more issues with bleeding. I will be going in twice a week for regular fetal testing. Please pray that Chloe continues to grow (she is only in the 19th percentile for her age) and stays put for the next few months.

Thanks for your prayers!

A few more things...

2009-07-25T08:12:00.000-07:00

If you want to send Sara anything, please use our home address...

Email me at bradsulli@gmail.com if you would like our address.

Also, my brother and his wife, Jay and Therese, have started a Race for the Cure team and are raising money for breast cancer research. They have committed to raise $10,000. The race is in Dallas in late October. Please go to their site if you are interested in contributing in honor of Sara.

Team SaraSTRONG website
http://www.komen-dallas.org/site/TR/Race/General?team_id=32460&pg=team&fr_id=1040
&et=0FzWd4STxvR3mDu8EoPgdw..&s_tafId=22870

(If it doesn't connect directly to Team SaraSTRONG, click on RACE FOR THE CURE, and search for SaraSTRONG)

THANK YOU!