May 2010...

Chloe and I have been in Montgomery, Alabama for the past five weeks. I have been attending Squadron Officer School (an Air Force Leadership School) at Maxwell Air Force Base. Chloe has been a trooper as we have had to adapt to and overcome the obstacles that go along with living in a hotel room...for over a month. This has been my first experience trying to balance the requirements of school work with taking care of a baby. Chloe made it relatively clear that she did not like me doing homework when she wanted to play!

Some of our best friends from Japan are here and watched Chloe during the day when I was at class. I am thankful that I was able to have her here with me.

We visited some friends down in Florida for two of the weekends that we were here. Chloe's first trip to the beach was on a day when there were tornado warnings and gale force winds, so we did not get to play in the water.

Destin, FL

Panama City, FL

Destin, FL
(second attempt at the beach)

Sara's sister flew out to Alabama this morning and picked up Chloe. She is going to spend the next few days in Houston as I finish up class. I will leave here on Friday and pick up Chloe on my way back to San Antonio.

A few weeks ago, I got a call from the dermatologist about my cheek growth. The results came back and it turns out that I have Basal Cell Carcinoma. The doctor told me that this is the most common type of skin cancer and is the "best type of cancer to have" because it does not spread. I am scheduled for a minor procedure next week where they will cut out the entire area. I am pretty young to have developed this type of cancer, but after the surgery, there is no further treatment required (besides sunscreen application each day). I was pretty surprised to learn that it was cancerous, but not overly concerned.

Here are some recent pics of the little lady...

Swinging at Maxwell AFB

Thanks for checking up on us.

April 2010

One year ago, this week, began Sara and my transition back to life in the US. We left Tokyo on the night of April 1, 2009. We arrived in Honolulu on the morning of April 1 (crossing the International Date Line still confuses me).

On April 6, 2009, Sara and I were at Tripler Army Medical Center at 5:00am for her pre-op appointment. Hours later, she was being wheeled out of recovery with the cancerous tumor and lymph nodes removed from her body.

April 6, 2009

On April 1, 2010, on my way to work I heard the song "Lucky" by Jason Mraz. After Sara died, one of our friends from Korea sent me a note and a Jason Mraz CD. She said that the song "Lucky" reminded her of Sara and my relationship. I got pretty choked up.



April 1st is also my birthday, and I am happy to say that I made it through another "first" without Sara. Some friends organized a birthday dinner and even made my favorite cake that Sara used to make for me.

That afternoon, I had an appointment at Wilford Hall (the hospital where Sara did all her cancer treatment, spent 40+ days on bed rest, delivered Chloe, and passed away). Needless to say, there are LOTS of emotions that come to mind when I think about Wilford Hall.

At my annual flight physical last week, the doctor wanted me to see a dermatologist about a "growth" on my left cheek. He told me not to worry because, I was "...probably too young for it to be cancer." I wanted to say, "Really...too young for cancer...let me tell you a story..." I elected to keep my mouth shut.

I had the "growth" biopsied and will find out more next week. The dermatologist was not concerned, and neither am I.

As I was walking up to the main entrance of the hospital, I felt an emotional wave building. Approaching the main doors, I looked up at the 5th floor window, the 4th one from the left. That was the room where Sara was "locked up" on bed rest for over 40 days. Each day, as I was arriving at the hospital, I would call and let her know that I was there, and as I walked up the the entrance, she would be waving to me from that window. This time, the window was empty.

Following are a few writings that have "hit home" with me this past week. They come from "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman.

MARCH 29

See how the lilies of the fields grow. --Matthew 6:28

Many years ago there was a monk who needed olive oil, so he planted an olive tree sapling. After he finished planting it, he prayed, "Lord, my tree needs rain so its tender roots may drink and grow. Send gentle showers." And the Lord sent gentle showers. The monk prayed, "Lord, my tree needs sun. Please send it sun." And the sun shone, gilding the once dripping clouds. "Now send frost, dear Lord, to strengthen its branches," cried the monk. And soon the little tree was covered in sparkling frost, but by evening it had died.

Then the monk sought out a brother monk in his cell and told him of his strange experience. After hearing the story, the other monk said, "I also have planted a little tree. See how it is thriving! But I entrust my tree to its God. He who made it knows better that a man like me what it needs. I gave God no constraints or conditions, except to pray, 'Lord, send what it needs--whether that be a storm or sunshine, wind, rain, or frost. You made it, and you know best what it needs.'"

One year ago, I did not envision raising Chloe as a single dad. However, I am not in charge and apparently, in God's plan, this is how is was supposed to be. When people tell me, "...it was not meant to be this way," I have started responding, "Yes it was!"

APRIL 1

Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him. --Job 13:15

Because I know who I have believed. --2 Timothy 1:12

An old seaman once said, "In fierce storms we must do one thing, for there is only one way to survive: we must put the ship in a certain position and keep her there." And this, dear Christian, is what you must do.

Sometimes, like Paul, you cannot see the sun or the stars to help you navigate when the storm is bearing down on you. This is when you can do only one thing, for there is only one way. Reason cannot help you, past experiences will shed no light, and even prayer will bring no consolation. Only one course remains: you must put your soul in one position and keep it there.

You must anchor yourself steadfastly upon the Lord. And then, come what may--whether wind, waves, rough seas, thunder, lightning, jagged rocks, or roaring breakers--you must lash yourself to the helm, firmly holding your confidence in God's faithfulness, His covenant promises, and His everlasting love in Christ Jesus. --Richard Fuller

Chloe continues to thrive and is changing so quickly. Following are some recent pics.

Easter 2010

"Best Buds"
Ethan Ertmer and Chloe

"Rough day on the Guadalupe River"

Spring Branch, TX

Videos...

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. --1 Samuel 1:27

Update...

Last week, Chloe traveled to Houston with Sara's family, and I went to Colorado on a ski trip with my family. During the ski trip planning, I had decided that I was not going to go because I did not want to take Chloe to Colorado in February. A few weeks before the ski trip, Angie (Sara's sister) called and asked if she could take Chloe to Houston for a family wedding. She thought it would be a good time for Sara's extended family to see and spend time with "Lil' Chlo-Chlo." Mom told me that she thought it was a "sign" that I should go on the ski trip. I bought a ticket and it ended up being a great time. Sara's family got to spend a week of quality time with Chloe and I got to "shed responsibility" for a week. It was good for everyone involved.

Chloe in Houston

Cousins

Angie and Chloe

Powderhorn, Colorado

While in Colorado, the 1 year anniversary of Sara's mammogram occurred (the day we found out she had cancer). Once again, I was shocked at all that had transpired in 12 months. The following day was the 5 month anniversary of Sara's death. It was not until that point that I realized that Sara died only 7 months after she was diagnosed! A few times each week, I still shake my head and cannot believe that she is gone.

On the long President's Day weekend, Chloe and I stayed home in San Antonio. It was a weekend of reflection for me. Since Sara died, I tend to eat my meals standing at the kitchen counter. Setting the table for one was always too visible of a reminder of my current situation. On Friday night, I grilled a steak, baked a potato and made a salad. I set the table and realized that I was okay with my "new normal" and the single place setting at the table. Chloe was in her swing next to me and we enjoyed a nice meal. In a previous post, I referenced the verse Phillipians 4:11 - "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." I think I was forcing myself to be content, but now, I can truly say that I AM content with my current circumstances.

When Sara's fam was visiting, back in November, I thought I was ready to go through some of Sara's stuff. We got all her shoes and set them out in the garage and started to sort through them. I wanted to keep some for Chloe, wanted Angie to have some of them, and wanted to give some of them away. As I stood in my garage looking at all her shoes, I had to consciously fight back tears as I decided what to do with each pair. Each pair of shoes went with an outfit that Sara wore when we _______.

"Sorting Shoes"

Seeing her hiking boots, with dirt still on them from our hike to the top of Mt. Fuji, brought on a wave of emotion. Seeing the shoes that she wore at our wedding brought on a wave of emotion. Seeing her tennis shoes that she taught aerobics in brought on a wave of emotion. Needless to say, I was not ready to go through her stuff. I put most of her shoes back in the box and put them back in the closet.

On Saturday morning, I woke up and felt ready to go through her closet. A few months ago, I bought some big Rubbermaid tubs to store her things until I figured out what I wanted to do with them. I know that I am saving all of the clothes that Sara wore when she held Chloe. As I was folding her clothes, a rerun of Extreme Makeover - Home Edition came on the TV. The story was about a young couple with 3 young boys. The mom was 28 when she found out that she had cancer. She died 6 months later and was buried on her 29th birthday. Sound familiar? As they were walking through the finished house, they showed a big picture of the mother on the wall of the house. The story was too similar...

As I was folding Sara's clothes, with our baby on the bed next to me, tears started streaming down my face.

Through this "journey of grief," I have never tried to push certain feelings away. As the different emotions arise, I just "roll with them." Of course, there have been tears, but that was my first time since we were in the hospital on Sara's final day, that tears have flowed like that. I had been waiting on an emotional outpouring...and it happened.

This past week, Chloe received a package in the mail. It was sent from Sara's cheerleading coaches from high school. Sara was the head cheerleader at Deer Park High School 11 years ago and absolutely loved being a cheerleader. After we were married, it was not uncommon for Sara to get excited and spout off a cheer from her high school days. I would look at her, shake my head and just laugh. If she got really excited, she would start to do those "cheerleader jumps." She was so full of life!

Sara's coaches had a Build-A-Bear made wearing a DPHS cheerleader outfit. They also sent Sara's old cheer outfit for Chloe to have.


Here is the an excerpt from the letter they sent to Chloe...

Dear Chloe,

We wanted you to know a little bit more about your very special mother. She was a cheerleader here at Deer Park High School for four years, and she became a special part of our lives.

She was proud to represent her school, and she was committed to the success of her teammates. She always came into practice with the goal of helping everyone have a good day, and she wrote us a letter once telling us that one of her favorite things to do was to make us smile. We kept that letter and treasure it today.

We hope this bear will help you know the "spirit" your mother added to the lives of many students and teachers here at Deer Park.

Our blessings to you as you grow,

DPHS Cheer Sponsors

Here are a few more recent pics of the little lady.

This past week I heard a new song by Mark Shultz, called "Love Has Come."

The Darker the Night...

When Sara and I first met, back in June of 1998, we were camping at Garner State Park in West Texas. I asked her to dance, and that was the beginning of our journey together. After the dance that night, we spent some time together looking up at the stars in the night sky of West Texas. Fast forward to April 2003...after a 3 year "hiatus" in our relationship (i.e. Sara dumped me after I went to college in Florida), our lives reconnected and we were once again looking at the stars in the night sky outside of Austin, TX. We enjoyed looking at stars together over the course of our relationship.

After Chloe goes to sleep, I enjoy some quiet time sitting on my back porch...thinking about life and looking up at the night sky. Tonight, I was on the porch and was amazed at how bright the full moon was. The moon was so bright, that it was casting shadows. As I looked up, longing to see the millions of stars (that I once looked at with my wife), I realized that I could only see a few because of the "light pollution" from the moon. The moon has an irradiance of zero, meaning that it does not give off any of it's own light. However tonight, the moon was lighting up the earth, from it's reflection of the sun.

The thought occurred to me that "the darker the night sky, the more stars I can see...or...the darker it is, the more fully I can see God's glory."

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the works of his hands. --Psalms 19:1

The weeks following Sara's death and the journey of grief that has followed, have been some of the "darker times" in my life. However, along this journey, I have truly seen God's work and glory.

As I came inside to put the latest "epiphany" on on paper, the song "Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day was on the radio. Here are some of the lyrics...

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus
Cry out to Jesus

"I believe in Christ like I believe in the sun, not because I can look directly at it, but by it I can see everything else." -Author Unknown

Praying...

"The Sullivans"
by the Willow Tree Collection

Over the past month or so, I have been debating with myself about prayer. Let me start off by telling you that my faith has not been shaken by Sara's death, but made stronger. I feel like I have a better understanding of who God is, after going through this trial. However, as the human mind often does, I want to be able to understand and comprehend what is going on and why. This is a fruitless task, because God's word tells us that...

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts that your thoughts." --Isaiah 55:8-9

Here are some of my thoughts on prayer...

Why do we pray? If God is separated from time and knows what is going to happen in the future, what do our prayers accomplish?

Do we pray to change God's mind or to change our hearts (to put them more in line with God's will)?

Do we, as God's children, truly have free-will or are we predestined to follow the path that God has laid for us? Do our actions here have an effect on the future? If we have free-will, God knows all and is "separated from time" so, He knows what is going to happen in the future, so is it really free-will?!?

Some of my conclusions...

I pray because God tells me to. "This, then, is how you should pray: " 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name..." --Matthew 6:9

I pray because that is how I communicate with God. Relationships cannot exist without communication.

God's mind has been changed in the past by the peoples prayers and God tells us "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." --Hebrews 13:8.

So, if His mind has been changed in the past, the prayers of the people can change His mind today.

I know that 1000s of people were praying for Sara, but God did not answer our prayers for earthly healing. I have often thought, "What if more people had prayed for her...would it have made a difference?" I do not think it would have.

If I found out that my prayers would never change God's mind would I continue to pray? ABSOLUTELY! God's word tells us to "Be joyful always, PRAY CONTINUALLY; give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." --1 Thessalonians 5:17

Lastly, I do not think I will ever be able to know the answer to the free-will/predestination debate on this side of Heaven.

The following passage is what I read last night in STREAMS IN THE DESERT.

Before we can establish a new and deeper relationship with Christ, we must first acquire enough intellectual light to satisfy our mind that we have been given the right to stand in this new relationship. Even the shadow of a doubt here will destroy our new confidence. Then, having seen the light, we must advance. We must make our choice, commit to it, and take our rightful place as confidently as a tree is planted in the ground. As a bride entrusts herself to the groom at the marriage altar, our commitment to Christ must be once and for all, without reservation or reversal.

Then there follows a time of establishing and testing, during which we must stand still until the new relationship becomes so ingrained in us that it becomes a permanent habit. It is comparable to a surgeon setting a broken arm by splinting it to keep it from moving. God too has His spiritual splints He wants to put on His children to keep them still until they pass the first stage of faith. Sometimes the trial will be difficult, but "the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" (1 Peter 5:10). - A.B. Simpson

Now, for what most of you have been waiting for...

"Chloe discusses her dreams with Nannie (my mom)."

Update on the Ertmers - Brad, Holly, and Ethan are doing great. Holly had a checkup with the neurologist this week, and he said things look good. The tumor was benign, but Holly will continue to visit with the neurologist twice a year for the foreseeable future.

Uncle Brady and Ethan

Thank you for your prayers for them. They TRULY appreciate them, as well. Thanks for checking up on us.

Save A Place For Me...

As the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2010, I felt a physical weight lifted from my shoulders. A fresh start to a new year. I am choosing to move forward with life. I almost feel guilty saying that, because it sounds like I am choosing to forget about Sara. That is NOT the case. I am the person that I am because of the couple that we were. At my grandpa's funeral last week, the pastor said, "...memories are God's gifts to us." The memories of Sara and I continue to mold me into who I am.

When Sara and I moved to San Antonio, we quickly became friends with the Ertmers. Holly was pregnant with their first child and when Sara was on bed rest (at home), Holly would drive her to the bi-weekly fetal testings at Wilford Hall. When Sara had her seizure at the house, I called the Ertmers after calling 911. They were at our house within minutes of the ambulance arriving, and I left Chloe with them and went in the ambulance with Sara. They were the first people that we ever left Chloe with. Since Sara's death, they have become like family. Holly always said that when we talked about Sara, Ethan (their baby) would kick like mad.

This past week, Holly started having headaches. The headaches worsened and on Wednesday morning, her vision started to blur and her left arm started to go numb. They went to the OB and he ordered a MRI. Hours later, Brad and Holly listened to the doctor tell them that their was a tumor on Holly's pituitary gland in her brain...and it was bleeding. They soon found out that a C-section was scheduled for the following morning and brain surgery would occur within a few days. As I was driving to the hospital to visit them on Wednesday night, I thought "could this really be happening?!?" Needless to say, Holly was scared.

On Thursday morning, I got a phone call before going to work. It was Holly and she wanted to tell me that she was not scared anymore. Her new nurse came in and introduced herself...her name was Sara.

Thursday afternoon, Holly had a C-section and Ethan Michael was welcomed to the world as healthy as can be.

The Ertmers

Friday morning, Holly was wheeled back into the operating room for brain surgery. I'm not very well versed in brain surgery, but after a procedure which went up her right nostril, drilled through her sinus cavity and lanced the tumor with a razor wire, the problem was solved. Hours later, she was in recovery and after one night in the Neuro ICU, the Ertmers were back together.

Sunday evening, the Ertmers arrived at home as a family of 3.

Please add the Ertmers to your prayers, as they have some more follow up appointments with the neurologists in the near future.

Chloe Grace - 4 months

This is a new song that I really like. "Save A Place For Me" by Matthew West. Click the title to hear the song.

...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. --Phillipians 4:11