What's in a name...

Here is a letter Chloe received soon after Sara passed away...

Hi,

My name is Chloe. My dad was stationed with Mr. Brady and Ms. Sara while they were in Misawa, Japan. We still live here, and they are remembered often among the entire community. I was told this was the address where I could send a letter to little Chloe. I would greatly appreciate it if it found its way into her book. :)

Thank you

Chloe,

For a while now I've been struggling with what to say to you about your mom. I don't know how old you'll be when you read this or if we'll have met already. Nothing I could say about her will be something you haven't heard already, how wonderful she was and how she radiated with love, and her trademark smile....

The only difference between me and everyone else who's written to you is, well...my name is Chloe, too. And I'm only 15, just a kid.

Your mom surprised me with how warm she was with me, when I first met her. She was an adult, and I expected her to be somewhat distant, like how other adults treated me. But I was wrong. She was so loving! Every time she'd see me she'd give me a hug, and she'd ask how I was, and I felt like she truly cared about my well being, as though we were good friends.

Now that she's gone, I realize I took that for granted. She was someone I deeply respected and admired and aspired to, and I wish I'd let her know that before she left earth.

But I'm letting you know that now, her daughter. The fact that you and I share the same name, and your mother knew me before and during the time she was pregnant with you, makes me want to live up to the name, "Chloe." Do you know what I mean?

What if I had made her not want to name you Chloe? What if she had seen how I behaved and disapproved of it so much that she thought, "My daughter can not possibly share the same name as THAT girl!"

I'm glad that's not what happened though.

The fact that I share the same name as the daughter of Sara Sullivan makes me want to live up to it! That's something I can be doing the rest of my life. I want to meet you someday, and when I do I don't want you to be ashamed of me; our name. A name means a lot, even if it seems so little.

I'm truly blessed to have known your mom for as little of time as I did, and I'm sorry you couldn't. But know that she LOVES you! My goodness does she love you, from where she is up in heaven! We'll all be able to see her again someday, and all this sadness experienced on earth will not matter anymore.

Live in a way that will make her proud.

Your sister in Christ,

Chloe

I still get choked up every time I read that letter.

Last year when Sara was undergoing chemotherapy, we had some house guests staying with us. Meet Matt and Kristi...

Matt and Kristi

Matt and Sara

Matt and I went to college together in Florida and have kept in touch ever since. Matt graduated college and became an Air Traffic Controller, but really wanted to fly. After numerous discussions with Matt about life in the Air Force, he weighed the decisions and signed the dotted line to join the military. After a year of pilot training, Matt was selected to become an instructor pilot and his training for that assignment took place in San Antonio. Thus, the reason they were living with us for a few months.

Kristi visited a few times for 2-week stints. The final time that she visited, Sara was already on bed-rest at the hospital.

Kristi and Sara

After my long days at work and the hospital, it was so nice to come home to a home-cooked meal. Matt and Kristi thought that we were doing them a favor by letting them stay at our house, but in reality they were a HUGE BLESSING to us.

Why am I telling you about Matt and Kristi? Well, as Chloe's letter above says, "A name means a lot, even if it seems so little."

This past Christmas Eve, I got a phone call from Matt. He was calling to inform me that he and Kristi had just found out that they were pregnant with a baby girl...and they wanted to name her Sara.

Baby Sara was recently born and I am looking forward to watching her grow up. I have lots to share with her about her namesake.

Baby Sara

There is a song by Sidewalk Prophets called These are the Words I Would Say. Soon after Sara died, a friend emailed and said she felt like these are the words that Sara would say to Chloe. Now, I feel like Sara would also want Baby Sara to hear them...

And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say

Matt and Kristi...Thank you for honoring my wife by naming your daughter after her. Welcome to the journey of parenthood.

Behold, children are a gift from the Lord. The fruit of the womb is a reward. --Psalm 127:3 (NAS)

Home Sweet Home...

Chloe and I are thrilled to be back at home. Alabama was good, but there is something to be said about being HOME! I picked up Chloe in Houston on the way back to San Antonio. Here are a few pics from our time in Houston.


I had Mohs surgery on my face last Tuesday. The procedure was much more involved than I was expecting. I thought I would be in and out in about an hour, but I ended up being at the hospital all day and left with a lot of stitches in my cheek. The doc cut out the cancer spot and then sent it to the lab to check the margins. He had to go back in one more time and cut out a little more tissue. I will spare you the graphic "mid-surgery" snapshot, but here are the results.

Surgery Results - 18 May 2010

I got the stitches out this week and am healing up well. The doctor who did the procedure specialized in "facial reconstruction." I never intended on having plastic surgery, but...I also did not intend on getting cancer on my face. Looking back, I am a little frustrated with myself that I waited so long to get this spot checked out. It started out like a pimple a few years ago and after numerous attempts to pop it, it scabbed over and eventually turned into a "mole." It was gradually growing during that period, but I did not realize how big it had gotten.

Basal Cell Carcinoma (Dec 2009)

If you want some advice...WEAR SUNSCREEN and get "growths" checked out! Enough about cancer...

After dinner, Chloe and I usually spend a few minutes just hanging out making faces at each other and talking. Here is a cute video of her during one of our post-dinner hangouts...

I hope her "crazy leg" kicking does not develop into a Restless Leg Syndrome diagnosis. Ha!

Until next time...

It must be genetic...

...this girl loves airplanes too.

May 2010...

Chloe and I have been in Montgomery, Alabama for the past five weeks. I have been attending Squadron Officer School (an Air Force Leadership School) at Maxwell Air Force Base. Chloe has been a trooper as we have had to adapt to and overcome the obstacles that go along with living in a hotel room...for over a month. This has been my first experience trying to balance the requirements of school work with taking care of a baby. Chloe made it relatively clear that she did not like me doing homework when she wanted to play!

Some of our best friends from Japan are here and watched Chloe during the day when I was at class. I am thankful that I was able to have her here with me.

We visited some friends down in Florida for two of the weekends that we were here. Chloe's first trip to the beach was on a day when there were tornado warnings and gale force winds, so we did not get to play in the water.

Destin, FL

Panama City, FL

Destin, FL
(second attempt at the beach)

Sara's sister flew out to Alabama this morning and picked up Chloe. She is going to spend the next few days in Houston as I finish up class. I will leave here on Friday and pick up Chloe on my way back to San Antonio.

A few weeks ago, I got a call from the dermatologist about my cheek growth. The results came back and it turns out that I have Basal Cell Carcinoma. The doctor told me that this is the most common type of skin cancer and is the "best type of cancer to have" because it does not spread. I am scheduled for a minor procedure next week where they will cut out the entire area. I am pretty young to have developed this type of cancer, but after the surgery, there is no further treatment required (besides sunscreen application each day). I was pretty surprised to learn that it was cancerous, but not overly concerned.

Here are some recent pics of the little lady...

Swinging at Maxwell AFB

Thanks for checking up on us.

April 2010

One year ago, this week, began Sara and my transition back to life in the US. We left Tokyo on the night of April 1, 2009. We arrived in Honolulu on the morning of April 1 (crossing the International Date Line still confuses me).

On April 6, 2009, Sara and I were at Tripler Army Medical Center at 5:00am for her pre-op appointment. Hours later, she was being wheeled out of recovery with the cancerous tumor and lymph nodes removed from her body.

April 6, 2009

On April 1, 2010, on my way to work I heard the song "Lucky" by Jason Mraz. After Sara died, one of our friends from Korea sent me a note and a Jason Mraz CD. She said that the song "Lucky" reminded her of Sara and my relationship. I got pretty choked up.



April 1st is also my birthday, and I am happy to say that I made it through another "first" without Sara. Some friends organized a birthday dinner and even made my favorite cake that Sara used to make for me.

That afternoon, I had an appointment at Wilford Hall (the hospital where Sara did all her cancer treatment, spent 40+ days on bed rest, delivered Chloe, and passed away). Needless to say, there are LOTS of emotions that come to mind when I think about Wilford Hall.

At my annual flight physical last week, the doctor wanted me to see a dermatologist about a "growth" on my left cheek. He told me not to worry because, I was "...probably too young for it to be cancer." I wanted to say, "Really...too young for cancer...let me tell you a story..." I elected to keep my mouth shut.

I had the "growth" biopsied and will find out more next week. The dermatologist was not concerned, and neither am I.

As I was walking up to the main entrance of the hospital, I felt an emotional wave building. Approaching the main doors, I looked up at the 5th floor window, the 4th one from the left. That was the room where Sara was "locked up" on bed rest for over 40 days. Each day, as I was arriving at the hospital, I would call and let her know that I was there, and as I walked up the the entrance, she would be waving to me from that window. This time, the window was empty.

Following are a few writings that have "hit home" with me this past week. They come from "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman.

MARCH 29

See how the lilies of the fields grow. --Matthew 6:28

Many years ago there was a monk who needed olive oil, so he planted an olive tree sapling. After he finished planting it, he prayed, "Lord, my tree needs rain so its tender roots may drink and grow. Send gentle showers." And the Lord sent gentle showers. The monk prayed, "Lord, my tree needs sun. Please send it sun." And the sun shone, gilding the once dripping clouds. "Now send frost, dear Lord, to strengthen its branches," cried the monk. And soon the little tree was covered in sparkling frost, but by evening it had died.

Then the monk sought out a brother monk in his cell and told him of his strange experience. After hearing the story, the other monk said, "I also have planted a little tree. See how it is thriving! But I entrust my tree to its God. He who made it knows better that a man like me what it needs. I gave God no constraints or conditions, except to pray, 'Lord, send what it needs--whether that be a storm or sunshine, wind, rain, or frost. You made it, and you know best what it needs.'"

One year ago, I did not envision raising Chloe as a single dad. However, I am not in charge and apparently, in God's plan, this is how is was supposed to be. When people tell me, "...it was not meant to be this way," I have started responding, "Yes it was!"

APRIL 1

Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him. --Job 13:15

Because I know who I have believed. --2 Timothy 1:12

An old seaman once said, "In fierce storms we must do one thing, for there is only one way to survive: we must put the ship in a certain position and keep her there." And this, dear Christian, is what you must do.

Sometimes, like Paul, you cannot see the sun or the stars to help you navigate when the storm is bearing down on you. This is when you can do only one thing, for there is only one way. Reason cannot help you, past experiences will shed no light, and even prayer will bring no consolation. Only one course remains: you must put your soul in one position and keep it there.

You must anchor yourself steadfastly upon the Lord. And then, come what may--whether wind, waves, rough seas, thunder, lightning, jagged rocks, or roaring breakers--you must lash yourself to the helm, firmly holding your confidence in God's faithfulness, His covenant promises, and His everlasting love in Christ Jesus. --Richard Fuller

Chloe continues to thrive and is changing so quickly. Following are some recent pics.

Easter 2010

"Best Buds"
Ethan Ertmer and Chloe

"Rough day on the Guadalupe River"

Spring Branch, TX

Videos...

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. --1 Samuel 1:27

Update...

Last week, Chloe traveled to Houston with Sara's family, and I went to Colorado on a ski trip with my family. During the ski trip planning, I had decided that I was not going to go because I did not want to take Chloe to Colorado in February. A few weeks before the ski trip, Angie (Sara's sister) called and asked if she could take Chloe to Houston for a family wedding. She thought it would be a good time for Sara's extended family to see and spend time with "Lil' Chlo-Chlo." Mom told me that she thought it was a "sign" that I should go on the ski trip. I bought a ticket and it ended up being a great time. Sara's family got to spend a week of quality time with Chloe and I got to "shed responsibility" for a week. It was good for everyone involved.

Chloe in Houston

Cousins

Angie and Chloe

Powderhorn, Colorado

While in Colorado, the 1 year anniversary of Sara's mammogram occurred (the day we found out she had cancer). Once again, I was shocked at all that had transpired in 12 months. The following day was the 5 month anniversary of Sara's death. It was not until that point that I realized that Sara died only 7 months after she was diagnosed! A few times each week, I still shake my head and cannot believe that she is gone.

On the long President's Day weekend, Chloe and I stayed home in San Antonio. It was a weekend of reflection for me. Since Sara died, I tend to eat my meals standing at the kitchen counter. Setting the table for one was always too visible of a reminder of my current situation. On Friday night, I grilled a steak, baked a potato and made a salad. I set the table and realized that I was okay with my "new normal" and the single place setting at the table. Chloe was in her swing next to me and we enjoyed a nice meal. In a previous post, I referenced the verse Phillipians 4:11 - "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." I think I was forcing myself to be content, but now, I can truly say that I AM content with my current circumstances.

When Sara's fam was visiting, back in November, I thought I was ready to go through some of Sara's stuff. We got all her shoes and set them out in the garage and started to sort through them. I wanted to keep some for Chloe, wanted Angie to have some of them, and wanted to give some of them away. As I stood in my garage looking at all her shoes, I had to consciously fight back tears as I decided what to do with each pair. Each pair of shoes went with an outfit that Sara wore when we _______.

"Sorting Shoes"

Seeing her hiking boots, with dirt still on them from our hike to the top of Mt. Fuji, brought on a wave of emotion. Seeing the shoes that she wore at our wedding brought on a wave of emotion. Seeing her tennis shoes that she taught aerobics in brought on a wave of emotion. Needless to say, I was not ready to go through her stuff. I put most of her shoes back in the box and put them back in the closet.

On Saturday morning, I woke up and felt ready to go through her closet. A few months ago, I bought some big Rubbermaid tubs to store her things until I figured out what I wanted to do with them. I know that I am saving all of the clothes that Sara wore when she held Chloe. As I was folding her clothes, a rerun of Extreme Makeover - Home Edition came on the TV. The story was about a young couple with 3 young boys. The mom was 28 when she found out that she had cancer. She died 6 months later and was buried on her 29th birthday. Sound familiar? As they were walking through the finished house, they showed a big picture of the mother on the wall of the house. The story was too similar...

As I was folding Sara's clothes, with our baby on the bed next to me, tears started streaming down my face.

Through this "journey of grief," I have never tried to push certain feelings away. As the different emotions arise, I just "roll with them." Of course, there have been tears, but that was my first time since we were in the hospital on Sara's final day, that tears have flowed like that. I had been waiting on an emotional outpouring...and it happened.

This past week, Chloe received a package in the mail. It was sent from Sara's cheerleading coaches from high school. Sara was the head cheerleader at Deer Park High School 11 years ago and absolutely loved being a cheerleader. After we were married, it was not uncommon for Sara to get excited and spout off a cheer from her high school days. I would look at her, shake my head and just laugh. If she got really excited, she would start to do those "cheerleader jumps." She was so full of life!

Sara's coaches had a Build-A-Bear made wearing a DPHS cheerleader outfit. They also sent Sara's old cheer outfit for Chloe to have.


Here is the an excerpt from the letter they sent to Chloe...

Dear Chloe,

We wanted you to know a little bit more about your very special mother. She was a cheerleader here at Deer Park High School for four years, and she became a special part of our lives.

She was proud to represent her school, and she was committed to the success of her teammates. She always came into practice with the goal of helping everyone have a good day, and she wrote us a letter once telling us that one of her favorite things to do was to make us smile. We kept that letter and treasure it today.

We hope this bear will help you know the "spirit" your mother added to the lives of many students and teachers here at Deer Park.

Our blessings to you as you grow,

DPHS Cheer Sponsors

Here are a few more recent pics of the little lady.

This past week I heard a new song by Mark Shultz, called "Love Has Come."