Update...

Last week, Chloe traveled to Houston with Sara's family, and I went to Colorado on a ski trip with my family. During the ski trip planning, I had decided that I was not going to go because I did not want to take Chloe to Colorado in February. A few weeks before the ski trip, Angie (Sara's sister) called and asked if she could take Chloe to Houston for a family wedding. She thought it would be a good time for Sara's extended family to see and spend time with "Lil' Chlo-Chlo." Mom told me that she thought it was a "sign" that I should go on the ski trip. I bought a ticket and it ended up being a great time. Sara's family got to spend a week of quality time with Chloe and I got to "shed responsibility" for a week. It was good for everyone involved.

Chloe in Houston

Cousins

Angie and Chloe

Powderhorn, Colorado

While in Colorado, the 1 year anniversary of Sara's mammogram occurred (the day we found out she had cancer). Once again, I was shocked at all that had transpired in 12 months. The following day was the 5 month anniversary of Sara's death. It was not until that point that I realized that Sara died only 7 months after she was diagnosed! A few times each week, I still shake my head and cannot believe that she is gone.

On the long President's Day weekend, Chloe and I stayed home in San Antonio. It was a weekend of reflection for me. Since Sara died, I tend to eat my meals standing at the kitchen counter. Setting the table for one was always too visible of a reminder of my current situation. On Friday night, I grilled a steak, baked a potato and made a salad. I set the table and realized that I was okay with my "new normal" and the single place setting at the table. Chloe was in her swing next to me and we enjoyed a nice meal. In a previous post, I referenced the verse Phillipians 4:11 - "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." I think I was forcing myself to be content, but now, I can truly say that I AM content with my current circumstances.

When Sara's fam was visiting, back in November, I thought I was ready to go through some of Sara's stuff. We got all her shoes and set them out in the garage and started to sort through them. I wanted to keep some for Chloe, wanted Angie to have some of them, and wanted to give some of them away. As I stood in my garage looking at all her shoes, I had to consciously fight back tears as I decided what to do with each pair. Each pair of shoes went with an outfit that Sara wore when we _______.

"Sorting Shoes"

Seeing her hiking boots, with dirt still on them from our hike to the top of Mt. Fuji, brought on a wave of emotion. Seeing the shoes that she wore at our wedding brought on a wave of emotion. Seeing her tennis shoes that she taught aerobics in brought on a wave of emotion. Needless to say, I was not ready to go through her stuff. I put most of her shoes back in the box and put them back in the closet.

On Saturday morning, I woke up and felt ready to go through her closet. A few months ago, I bought some big Rubbermaid tubs to store her things until I figured out what I wanted to do with them. I know that I am saving all of the clothes that Sara wore when she held Chloe. As I was folding her clothes, a rerun of Extreme Makeover - Home Edition came on the TV. The story was about a young couple with 3 young boys. The mom was 28 when she found out that she had cancer. She died 6 months later and was buried on her 29th birthday. Sound familiar? As they were walking through the finished house, they showed a big picture of the mother on the wall of the house. The story was too similar...

As I was folding Sara's clothes, with our baby on the bed next to me, tears started streaming down my face.

Through this "journey of grief," I have never tried to push certain feelings away. As the different emotions arise, I just "roll with them." Of course, there have been tears, but that was my first time since we were in the hospital on Sara's final day, that tears have flowed like that. I had been waiting on an emotional outpouring...and it happened.

This past week, Chloe received a package in the mail. It was sent from Sara's cheerleading coaches from high school. Sara was the head cheerleader at Deer Park High School 11 years ago and absolutely loved being a cheerleader. After we were married, it was not uncommon for Sara to get excited and spout off a cheer from her high school days. I would look at her, shake my head and just laugh. If she got really excited, she would start to do those "cheerleader jumps." She was so full of life!

Sara's coaches had a Build-A-Bear made wearing a DPHS cheerleader outfit. They also sent Sara's old cheer outfit for Chloe to have.


Here is the an excerpt from the letter they sent to Chloe...

Dear Chloe,

We wanted you to know a little bit more about your very special mother. She was a cheerleader here at Deer Park High School for four years, and she became a special part of our lives.

She was proud to represent her school, and she was committed to the success of her teammates. She always came into practice with the goal of helping everyone have a good day, and she wrote us a letter once telling us that one of her favorite things to do was to make us smile. We kept that letter and treasure it today.

We hope this bear will help you know the "spirit" your mother added to the lives of many students and teachers here at Deer Park.

Our blessings to you as you grow,

DPHS Cheer Sponsors

Here are a few more recent pics of the little lady.

This past week I heard a new song by Mark Shultz, called "Love Has Come."

The Darker the Night...

When Sara and I first met, back in June of 1998, we were camping at Garner State Park in West Texas. I asked her to dance, and that was the beginning of our journey together. After the dance that night, we spent some time together looking up at the stars in the night sky of West Texas. Fast forward to April 2003...after a 3 year "hiatus" in our relationship (i.e. Sara dumped me after I went to college in Florida), our lives reconnected and we were once again looking at the stars in the night sky outside of Austin, TX. We enjoyed looking at stars together over the course of our relationship.

After Chloe goes to sleep, I enjoy some quiet time sitting on my back porch...thinking about life and looking up at the night sky. Tonight, I was on the porch and was amazed at how bright the full moon was. The moon was so bright, that it was casting shadows. As I looked up, longing to see the millions of stars (that I once looked at with my wife), I realized that I could only see a few because of the "light pollution" from the moon. The moon has an irradiance of zero, meaning that it does not give off any of it's own light. However tonight, the moon was lighting up the earth, from it's reflection of the sun.

The thought occurred to me that "the darker the night sky, the more stars I can see...or...the darker it is, the more fully I can see God's glory."

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the works of his hands. --Psalms 19:1

The weeks following Sara's death and the journey of grief that has followed, have been some of the "darker times" in my life. However, along this journey, I have truly seen God's work and glory.

As I came inside to put the latest "epiphany" on on paper, the song "Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day was on the radio. Here are some of the lyrics...

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus
Cry out to Jesus

"I believe in Christ like I believe in the sun, not because I can look directly at it, but by it I can see everything else." -Author Unknown

Praying...

"The Sullivans"
by the Willow Tree Collection

Over the past month or so, I have been debating with myself about prayer. Let me start off by telling you that my faith has not been shaken by Sara's death, but made stronger. I feel like I have a better understanding of who God is, after going through this trial. However, as the human mind often does, I want to be able to understand and comprehend what is going on and why. This is a fruitless task, because God's word tells us that...

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts that your thoughts." --Isaiah 55:8-9

Here are some of my thoughts on prayer...

Why do we pray? If God is separated from time and knows what is going to happen in the future, what do our prayers accomplish?

Do we pray to change God's mind or to change our hearts (to put them more in line with God's will)?

Do we, as God's children, truly have free-will or are we predestined to follow the path that God has laid for us? Do our actions here have an effect on the future? If we have free-will, God knows all and is "separated from time" so, He knows what is going to happen in the future, so is it really free-will?!?

Some of my conclusions...

I pray because God tells me to. "This, then, is how you should pray: " 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name..." --Matthew 6:9

I pray because that is how I communicate with God. Relationships cannot exist without communication.

God's mind has been changed in the past by the peoples prayers and God tells us "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." --Hebrews 13:8.

So, if His mind has been changed in the past, the prayers of the people can change His mind today.

I know that 1000s of people were praying for Sara, but God did not answer our prayers for earthly healing. I have often thought, "What if more people had prayed for her...would it have made a difference?" I do not think it would have.

If I found out that my prayers would never change God's mind would I continue to pray? ABSOLUTELY! God's word tells us to "Be joyful always, PRAY CONTINUALLY; give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." --1 Thessalonians 5:17

Lastly, I do not think I will ever be able to know the answer to the free-will/predestination debate on this side of Heaven.

The following passage is what I read last night in STREAMS IN THE DESERT.

Before we can establish a new and deeper relationship with Christ, we must first acquire enough intellectual light to satisfy our mind that we have been given the right to stand in this new relationship. Even the shadow of a doubt here will destroy our new confidence. Then, having seen the light, we must advance. We must make our choice, commit to it, and take our rightful place as confidently as a tree is planted in the ground. As a bride entrusts herself to the groom at the marriage altar, our commitment to Christ must be once and for all, without reservation or reversal.

Then there follows a time of establishing and testing, during which we must stand still until the new relationship becomes so ingrained in us that it becomes a permanent habit. It is comparable to a surgeon setting a broken arm by splinting it to keep it from moving. God too has His spiritual splints He wants to put on His children to keep them still until they pass the first stage of faith. Sometimes the trial will be difficult, but "the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" (1 Peter 5:10). - A.B. Simpson

Now, for what most of you have been waiting for...

"Chloe discusses her dreams with Nannie (my mom)."

Update on the Ertmers - Brad, Holly, and Ethan are doing great. Holly had a checkup with the neurologist this week, and he said things look good. The tumor was benign, but Holly will continue to visit with the neurologist twice a year for the foreseeable future.

Uncle Brady and Ethan

Thank you for your prayers for them. They TRULY appreciate them, as well. Thanks for checking up on us.

Save A Place For Me...

As the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2010, I felt a physical weight lifted from my shoulders. A fresh start to a new year. I am choosing to move forward with life. I almost feel guilty saying that, because it sounds like I am choosing to forget about Sara. That is NOT the case. I am the person that I am because of the couple that we were. At my grandpa's funeral last week, the pastor said, "...memories are God's gifts to us." The memories of Sara and I continue to mold me into who I am.

When Sara and I moved to San Antonio, we quickly became friends with the Ertmers. Holly was pregnant with their first child and when Sara was on bed rest (at home), Holly would drive her to the bi-weekly fetal testings at Wilford Hall. When Sara had her seizure at the house, I called the Ertmers after calling 911. They were at our house within minutes of the ambulance arriving, and I left Chloe with them and went in the ambulance with Sara. They were the first people that we ever left Chloe with. Since Sara's death, they have become like family. Holly always said that when we talked about Sara, Ethan (their baby) would kick like mad.

This past week, Holly started having headaches. The headaches worsened and on Wednesday morning, her vision started to blur and her left arm started to go numb. They went to the OB and he ordered a MRI. Hours later, Brad and Holly listened to the doctor tell them that their was a tumor on Holly's pituitary gland in her brain...and it was bleeding. They soon found out that a C-section was scheduled for the following morning and brain surgery would occur within a few days. As I was driving to the hospital to visit them on Wednesday night, I thought "could this really be happening?!?" Needless to say, Holly was scared.

On Thursday morning, I got a phone call before going to work. It was Holly and she wanted to tell me that she was not scared anymore. Her new nurse came in and introduced herself...her name was Sara.

Thursday afternoon, Holly had a C-section and Ethan Michael was welcomed to the world as healthy as can be.

The Ertmers

Friday morning, Holly was wheeled back into the operating room for brain surgery. I'm not very well versed in brain surgery, but after a procedure which went up her right nostril, drilled through her sinus cavity and lanced the tumor with a razor wire, the problem was solved. Hours later, she was in recovery and after one night in the Neuro ICU, the Ertmers were back together.

Sunday evening, the Ertmers arrived at home as a family of 3.

Please add the Ertmers to your prayers, as they have some more follow up appointments with the neurologists in the near future.

Chloe Grace - 4 months

This is a new song that I really like. "Save A Place For Me" by Matthew West. Click the title to hear the song.

...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. --Phillipians 4:11

100 days...

As 2009 draws to a close, I am ready to put this year behind me. This year has been bittersweet. Sara and I grew immensely together as a couple, we were in the process of "conquering" cancer, we welcomed our new daughter to the world, and then we had to say good bye to Sara.

On the 22nd of each month, I think, "Well, I made it through another month without Sara." The first few months were very difficult, as I was adjusting to life as a young widower and new father. With each passing month, I would compare it to something known. At the one month mark, I thought, "I have been separated from Sara for one month increments, traveling with work." Now, you could say that I am in "uncharted territory."

After the 3 month anniversary of her death (on December 22), I thought to myself, "Why are you counting? She is going to be gone for the rest of your life...she is gone from this earth FOREVER." Forever seems like a long time, but when compared to ETERNITY, this life we live is "but a blink of an eye." That is hard to comprehend and hurts my brain to think about.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. --Ecclesiastes 3:11

How do I remember 2009? LIFE and DEATH, JOY and SORROW, SICKNESS and HEALTH, PEACE and DESPAIR, FAITH and MORE FAITH...

On this final day of 2009, we have made it to 100 days of life without Sara...but who is counting?

(Yes, those are jewels in her HUGE bow...No, I did not pick it out. Thanks, Angie).

Wishing you and yours a happy and healthy 2010. Happy New Year and God Bless!

What if Christ had not come...

"They will call him Immanuel" - which means, "God with us." --Matthew 1:23

An excerpt from "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman.

There's a song in the air!
There's a star in the sky!
There's a mother's deep prayer,
And a baby's low cry!
And the star rains its fire
While the beautiful sing,
For the manger of Bethlehem cradles a King.

A number of years ago a remarkable Christmas card was published by the title "If Christ Had Not Come." It was based on our Savior's own words, "If I had not come," in John 15:22. The card pictured a minister falling asleep in his study on Christmas morning and then dreaming of a world into which Jesus had never come.

In his dream, he saw himself walking through his house, but as he looked, he saw no stockings hung on the chimney, no Christmas tree, no wreaths of holly, and no Christ to comfort and gladden hearts or to save us. He then walked onto the street outside, but there was no church with its spire pointing toward heaven. And when he came back and sat down in his library, he realized that every book about our Savior had disappeared.

The minister dreamed that the doorbell rang and that a messenger asked him to visit a friend's poor dying mother. He reached her home, and as his friend sat and wept, he said, "I have something here that will comfort you." He opened his Bible to look for a familiar promise, but it ended with Malachi. There was no gospel and no promise of hope and salvation, and all he could do was bow his head and weep with his friend and his mother in bitter despair.

Two days later he stood beside her coffin and conducted her funeral service, but there was no message of comfort, no words of a glorious resurrection, and no thought of a mansion awaiting her in heaven. There was only "dust to dust, and ashes to ashes, " and one long, eternal farewell. Finally he realized that Christ had not come, and burst into tears, weeping bitterly in his sorrowful dream.

Then suddenly he awoke with a start, and a great shout of joy and praise burst from his lips as he heard his choir singing these words in his church nearby:

O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant,
O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem!
Come and behold Him, born the King of angels,
O come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord!

Let us be glad and rejoice today, because He has come. And let us remember that proclamation of the angel: "I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord" (Luke 2:10-11).

From our family to yours, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Birthdays...

Sara always amazed me at her innate ability to remember people's birthdays. It would always catch me by surprise when she would wake up and the first words our of her mouth were, "Today is _______'s birthday."

She wanted people to feel extra special on their day. She loved to make a big deal out of birthdays, especially my dad's. Dad once said that "birthdays are like belly buttons...everybody has one and they are not that exciting." That drove Sara crazy. She LOVED birthdays and wanted people to enjoy their day!

As Christmas approaches, I am missing Sara terribly, but know that she is excited to be celebrating Jesus' birthday with Him this year.

"Christmas in Heaven"
by Wanda Bencke

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights like Heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sound of music can't compare
with the Christmas Choir up here.

I have no words to tell you
Of the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description
To hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But through our memories so dear
We are never far apart.

I can't tell you of the splendor
Of the peace here in this place,
Can you just imagine Christmas
With our Savior face to face?

I'll ask Him to light your spirit
As I tell Him of your love,
Then I'll pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.

So, please let your heart be joyful
And let your spirit sing,
For I'm spending Christmas in Heaven
And I'm walking with the king.

To read the story behind this poem, click here.

Some updated Chloe pics (and videos)...

(background music added to cover up my embarrassing "baby talk" voice)

Last weekend, Chloe and I spent some time at the lake. My older brother is getting "artsy" with his photography skills and took this great picture. The dogs and I spent some time on the dock "thinking about life." Good times for me...and the dogs.

Brothers

My family is coming to San Antonio for Christmas, then Chloe and I are headed to Houston the week after to spend time with my dad and Sara's family.

I will also be making a trip to Niles, Ohio (near Cleveland) for my Grandfather's funeral some time in the near future. He passed away in Florida on Monday, December 21. His health had been declining steadily for the past few years, but it was still tough to receive the news that he had passed away. I thought I was mentally prepared for it.

My dad and his sisters flew to Florida on Monday and got to spend a few final hours with their dad. I said a few words to him on the phone Monday evening. Needless to say, I'm sick and tired of attending funerals.

Though this year has been inundated with lots of sadness, it is through the tears that I see all that I have to be thankful for...and refuse to take for granted.

As Christmas draws near, my hope is that you would reflect upon the true reason we celebrate Christmas. Happy Birthday, Jesus, and Merry Christmas to you!

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. --Isaiah 9:6

...and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. -- Luke 1:7